Friday, October 25, 2013

Enjoy your twenties: A Plea

I think everyone should enjoy their twenties. this is the golden age. you're going to learn more in your twenties than any other decade in your life. i have learnt more in this second year of this decade than i have learnt my entire life. my views have been shaped and changed and shaped and changed again, i've gone through experiences that i never thought i'd go through, i've loved, i've cried more in my twenties than my entire years on earth and this is frankly not an exaggeration.

but that's the best thing about your twenties. you're old enough to be taken seriously, to be considered an adult, to drink, but you're also young enough for your mistakes to be forgiven, to be given a get out of jail free card. you're young enough to love and fail and get up again and throw yourself right back into love, you're young enough to be rejected and to reject, to give your heart and have it rejected, but you're still young enough to heal from the callouses that your heart will inflict on you.

you should have fun in your twenties, you should dance in the rain and get drunk and dance with strangers at a bar at one in the morning and kiss that cute boy across the hall from you because you want to, you should go bar hopping because soon you'll be fourty and you'll be that old woman in the club that you and your friends sneer at now.

you should stay indoors and drink your corona and get drunk within the corners of your bed and read books that will take you to nigeria and accra and take a walk through italy and france and through the streets of london. you should make that recipe in that cook book that you bought swearing you'd cook through it once you got your own place and your own money.

you should fall in love. lots of times or not at all or once. when you get your heartbroken you should ball up in bed and cry and feel your heart literally break and cry and cry and cry and drink and pray and drink and call him a million times and beg and cry and repeat until you feel better, until you can get up and make breakfast and order yourself flowers even though you hate them, until you delete his number and smile at your friends and fall into the arms of another, until you can get up and travel to that city that he kept promising he'd take you to that he never did, until you can get up and finally join the rest of the world.

you should go to brunch. all the time. brunch is the new breakfast. everyone is doing it. why eat at 9 when you can eat at 11 or 12 and call it brunch? plus it's acceptable to drink during brunch, i know!! you should totally brunch.

you should find something you like and make a dedicated hobby out of it. you should find something you hate and make money from it. if you find something you like that you can make money from...well, you're one of the lucky ones and you should stick to it. it's your twenties, you don't have kids, work hard. get up in the morning and work hard, kiss all the arse you have to, meet all the people you have to. work hard. stay on that grind and save! save! save! save for the days when you've had enough of that shitty job and just want to quit. save for the unexpected events. practice your poker face every morning before you leave for work. smile often. complain when you need to. i don't care that there are hungry kids in africa...well, i do but this is not a suffering olympics, complain if it'll make you feel better then shut up and figure out a way to make it all better.

there will never be a decade like this one. there will never be a decade with this many opportunities and this many love stories. there will never be a decade like your twenties. so please, please make the best of it and above all, enjoy it and learn and learn and toss down a shot every chance you get, you'll need it.


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

remembering to forget you

I gave myself 14 days to forget you.

on the first day, my pillow was soaked with tears.

on the second day, i allowed myself to start forgetting.

on the third day, you called to see how much of my heart you still had. i was a fool for picking up.

on the fourth day, i thought of you a million times.

on the fifth day, you called to extend the olive branch. i took it. i was a fool.

on the sixth day, i went partying. i was reminded of you at every turn. i let myself be romanced by a fast talking boy who wanted to love me in a language my grand mother would approve of.

on the seventh day, i drank till i fell asleep.

on the eight day, i deleted your number. and your messages. i deleted your messages without reading them.

on the ninth day, you called, i didn't pick up. my heart is not the wave to your sea, i refuse to let it be pulled back and forth.

on the tenth day, i let my fast talking boy cook for me.

on the eleventh day, i let myself smile.

on the twelfth day, i couldn't remember what it felt like to be loved by you. i don't think i ever really knew. i think i imagined all of it.

on the thirteenth day, i sat under the shower for 45 minutes. i still couldn't get you off my skin.

on the fourteenth day, i let my tongue wander into another.

i no longer remember what you sound like.

maybe it never really happened.

i may have imagined it all.

i hope i did.

you were a small fire i loved watching burn.


p.s: sometimes when i go on my blog, i can't see my comment box. if that's happening to you too, many use another browser other than google chrome?

Monday, July 1, 2013

you're not like other females and other ridiculous things.

i have been on my share amounts of dates and some things men do make me want to just scream. you're taking me out for the first time and here are a list of things you should not do because they grind my gears. 

- do not be mean to the waiter!! - this guy once took me to this restaurant and after we ordered, some couple that came in after us got their order before we got ours and the dude went off about racism and shit and let me tell you, i have never been that embarrassed in my entire life. do not be mean to strangers or you will definitely not be getting another date.

- backhanded compliments - don't insult a girl across the room just to be able to give me a compliment. don't call that girl across the room fat just to then tell me that "i'm glad that you're not like that, girls nowadays don't know how to take care of themselves". el oh el. seriously, just compliment me and leave out other girls. this is not a comparison, just give me a freaking compliment straight up.

- negging - "i guess you're cute", "you're not really my type but i decided to be open minded". "you're actually too thin for me, i like a woman with a lot more flesh on her bones". lol. i don't understand why men think that saying something insulting to you will make you like them more. negging does not work in this neighborhood. seriously, it doesn't.

- telling me "all african men cheat" while being an african man - i really think that this explains itself.

- men who make a big deal out of nothing - seriously, pick your fights. we don't have to fight about EVERY.SINGLE.THING. seriously. somethings are not worth it. if you cannot tell your boys what you're fighting about because it's so freaking ridiculous then maybe you shouldn't be fighting about it either.

- telling me that because i'm a feminist, i'm a man basher really doesn't fly on a first date either. it's your opinion but don't expect me to go out with you after that please.

- men who don't read and who tell you that because you're reading "you must have so much time on your hands to be able to waste it like this". yup, someone said that to me verbatim. i just couldn't believe it.

- traditional men. i love cooking. i will not marry a man who i do not love cooking for. i will not date a man who thinks cooking is a duty i have as his girlfriend. el oh el. you will starve.

what are the worst things you've heard on a first date? what are your absolute worst turn offs? let me know in the comment section!!! 

i hope y'all are having a good year so far?


Monday, April 8, 2013

How to get a Nigerian man to marry you

Getting a Nigerian man to marry you is the easiest thing in the world. This is your chance to stop being single and get a-mingling. These easy steps will get you married, bedded, bare foot and pregnant in less than a year, guaranteed or your money back.

-- Be very religious. Nigerian men loveeeee them some religious girls. you don't actually have to be, you just have to pretend that you are. talk about the night vigils you go to every now and then. slip in some Bible passages in random conversations even when they don't fit in. Give him a Bible for his birthday. call him randomly for "morning prayers". a nigerian man will marry a woman who appears to be religious. fake it till you get that ring baby girl.

-- Pretend to be maternal. Pretend that you love children so much. especially other people's children. coo at them at grocery stores, malls, lounges, planes. talk about how much you love children. carry his friends' kids all day long. offer to help feed them. it doesn't matter that you don't love other people's kids and think that children can be such dicks from a very early age, it should not matter. pretend girl. you're auditioning to be his baby popper, act like one.

-- Don't ever mention that you're a "feminist". femi-gini? that shit don't live here miss. Fuck women rights. accept all traditional roles even when you're dating. when you are dating him, make sure his food is ready as soon as he walks through that door bitch. it doesn't matter that you're in school or you are also working like him, shit like that don't matter. you have to show your man that you can put your back into it and be that super woman who will clean, cook, pop your back in bed and still pop out those kids.

-- You gats deny all them man them. Have you ever had sex? made out with someone? don't have to tell your nigerian man that. when you're asked your body count is 1 or 2, never more than 3 though cos you're already side stepping into whoredom. never mind that your nigerian man's count is like  54, who cares? he's only out there fucking everything in skirt so that he can impress you in bed. all of what he does is for you, you ingrate!! he's out there putting his penis in everything in other to come home and please you in bed and you have the guts to say you have a body count of more than 3? if any man claims he has slept with you, cry and swear that you know no such man. refer to rule number 1, start quoting Bible passages about how your enemies are chasing you and shit.
that whole subtracting 7 from your body count is bullshit. you only have 3 choices: 1, 2, or 3. other than that, you might as well just remain single.

-- A nigerian man has needs that only you can't meet. you have to give him some penis room. why are you being selfish? let men be men. let them have wings to fly. don't be asking him why he came home late. you smell perfume on him? be happy that some girl is keeping him moisturized and smelling all good. that's one thing you don't have to do today. Let them have some fun girl, you just want that ring on your finger don't you? relax. that diamond that you can instagram with well manicured fingers is coming.

-- Last but not least, cook up a storm!!! your man should not be going hungry. cater to his food palette girl!! if you don't cook for him some other girl will cook for him and steal him away. cook him new delicacies all day, find out how his mother used to do it, cook for his friends too. why do you want to eat in restaurant? bitch please use that money and take your arse to the grocery store and make that man some food. let him save that money he would have used to take you out on your ring darling. be wise. a stitch in time saves nine.

This is my good deed for the day. Let him who have ears, listen or something like that.


Friday, March 22, 2013


Nagging is the first thing you learn as a nigerian woman. It's like a passage of sorts. you're taught to not nag your husband or boyfriend. you're taught it by everybody and especially by nigerian movies that tell you that nagging your husband/boyfriend is going to make him meet genevieve nnaji and fall in love with her, and cheat on you and leave you and it'd be justified because your bitch arse was nagging him all around the house.
you start talking to your friends about how you're not a nag, justify your guyfriends' stupid behaviours because their girlfriends nag them to death. you grow up deciding that you're never going to nag your boyfriend or husband. you're going to be the absolute perfect wife and your husband will not treat you like that other woman's husband because you're not a nag like her.
you get into a relationship and your boyfriend makes a sexist comment and you argue with him, he talks bullshit about women and you argue with him, he comes back late from work and you argue with him, he forgets dates and you argue with him. the amount and frequency of the arguments are becoming more often than you can handle, you start backing off because you don't want to be labeled a nag, he is a great guy with a great job and you really don't think you're going to be able to do any better than him if this relationship doesn't work out. so you start shutting up, you become more agreeable. you don't ask him about that perfume on his shirt, he comes back late and lays beside you and you spend your time on proverbs 31 trying really hard to be a "virtuous" woman to a very undeserving idiot.
he starts making decisions for you, your opinions become his, you start shutting up about things that you used to be passionate about, feminism? uhhh, who needs that? you need to get married first and you'll worry about that.
you become a shadow of yourself.
He ends up marrying you because he's dated you for long and you're as good as it gets.
i find that "nagging" has become a way for most nigerian men to shut you up really fast. you're not a nag for having a freaking opinion, there should be things that you don't agree with him about, you should be a human being. sure, he'll end up marrying some girl who doesn't have an opinion but at least you won't find yourself 25 years later in a marriage where you realise you hate the man you married, you have achieved absolutely nothing with your life, your husband doesn't like talking to you because it's just like talking to himself, you have absolutely no independent opinion of your own, and you're raising a male son who is just like him.
it's cool to know when to argue and when to let things go but don't let anyone bully you out of your beliefs with that word.


Monday, March 18, 2013

I need answers!!

Will you change your last name to your husband's last name when/if you get married? if so, why?
if your reason for changing it is because you hate your current last name and can't wait to change it once you get married, why aren't you changing it now? you know you can change your name anytime you want? so, if your reason is this, answer this question for me too.
please comment and let me know. i really want to know.



Thursday, March 14, 2013

don't make her the other woman

i'm tired of cheating responsibilities being placed on women. if your boyfriend cheats on you, it's because your boyfriend made a decision to cheat on you and then found someone to cheat on you with. HE made the decision to cheat on you, the 'other woman' is just an accomplice who frankly doesn't owe you shit. i know that in situations like this people want to blame the other woman because it's easier, it makes it easier to forgive a man you love if you truly believe that this woman made him cheat, that this woman lured him in somehow. i get that. you don't want to believe that someone you love is capable of hurting you so much. but the other woman made no vows to you, she didn't promise to commit to you, she didn't promise to love you and in more cases than not, she doesn't even know who the hell you are. Your BOYFRIEND made the decision to cheat on you, he is the one who broke his vows to you, he is the one who owed you loyalty not the other woman.
i understand women being in solidarity and not hurting other women but i've realized that people only spout this rule when it's cool for them. in more cases than not, your boyfriend sort her out. even if she sort your boyfriend out, he could have just said no. people behave like married women and women in relationships aren't asked out by men once they get into relationships. they obviously are but everyone expects them to be disciplined and true and say no to temptation but no one demands the same from the men.
i've never understood the concept of someone loving you and cheating on you. millions of people believe it, even my very close friends but i have a question for you: how do you know someone loves you? because they tell you that they love you or because they show you that they love you? i can tell someone i love them without meaning it so lets stick to showing. so their actions have convinced you that they love you, that's cool but isn't cheating part of their actions? how can you separate the cheating part of him and all his other actions? how do you know he loves you? i've never heard a man ever say that phrase. in fact when i told my friend about the LIB article where the man said his wife cheated on him and he wants to divorce her even though he'd cheated on her several times, my guy friend goes "yup, he should divorce her. why would she cheat on him?" when i told him that the man had cheated severally in the past, he said "well, the woman made the decision to forgive him and stay with him but the husband doesn't want to. it's his choice. me i think he should divorce her".
why aren't the women given the benefit of the doubt of indiscipline? only men can be indisciplined? why do women make excuses for the excesses of men but turn around and complain about how hard and difficult marriage is when your arse has been enabling his excesses so that you can be mrs. somebody? why are we as a society so quick to blame the other woman? lets take assistant madam for instant on twitter, i excessively enjoy her tweets, more than i should, it's entertaining and frankly sounds like fiction but some women on twitter were all in arms talking about "you're laughing now what if that was your husband that she's sleeping with?"... uhhhh, she's not raping your husband, your husband sort her out. your husband was a very willing participant, some people act like men are precious objects that have no brain, have absolutely no control of what their penises fall into and they need to be cuddled and protected from all of these women of the world that are just waiting to pounce and sleep with them.

yes, i agree don't be the other woman. even more importantly, tell your husbands and boyfriends not to make her one.


p.s: late for class. did not proof read. 

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Everything I know about love i learnt from NewYork

New York is just crowded enough that your image is in some stranger's picture existing in the background while you're oblivious to the fact that you've just been immortalized into someone else's family picture. They'll one day gather around and wonder who that black girl with a lost expression on her face is, they'll make up stories about you and you'll exist independently in different continents, places you've always wanted to go but was never able to afford. Maybe your picture will survive the end of the world and your tights and shorts will be the only clue the new generation has into what kind of life we lived before the oceans swallowed us whole.

It is the perfect city to pretend to love a man who will never find his way into the stories you'll tell your grand kids about how all the men wanted you and how beautiful and skinny you once were but you chose their daddy because you loved him...or because of his money, you'll reassure them that either will do. It is the perfect city to love men who will never love you back, who will not eagerly ask God to bless you every time you sneeze, who will enjoy the vibrations of the bed as you're raked over and over by the sobs of tears that want to escape your eyes.
The cold will keep your body severely explored as he hollows out your bones trying to make claim to this land that was once undiscovered, once uncharted but this will not be enough to make him stay. He will eventually want to leave, let him leave. Countries are colonized all the time, men love to conquer things, someone else with strong hands will sail your seas because you want him to and he will not mind that he didn't get there first, he will stay because your seas are far too beautiful and becoming to leave.
The restaurants will make you step out of your house after your first heartbreak has cleared to make way for the morning. You will emerge to get brunch because you are now the type of girl who gets brunch and you will walk through crowded and dirty streets to that tiny ramen shop down the road. You need food for the days when the tears no longer come and the sad songs pack themselves up again and your belly has had enough of ice creams from tubs that were made when you tried to tame the nomad in him.
Alcohol was made for times like these when you need to remember to forget him in clubs frequented by men whose hands feel just like his. Never mind the hangovers, it's a small price to pay for all the puking done intimately between your toilet seat and you while you purge yourself and everything that is him in you.
You should keep frequenting poetry clubs even if it reminds you of how you met between poems about ex-girlfriends and God. You are a long poem he abandoned unfinished but your ending would have taken his breath away, not all men can handle such a beauty, be glad he didn't stick around long enough for it. Be glad he left you with loads of terrible poetry that you'll never show anyone.
You'll meet the next one in one of the numerous crevices and you'll be glad that he didn't stay. It is not a crime not to love, sometimes being in like is more powerful.
but you have such skinny, straight legs.
Legs made for falling into things we hope will last forever.
Everything i know about love, i learnt from you, New York.