Monday, April 8, 2013

How to get a Nigerian man to marry you

Getting a Nigerian man to marry you is the easiest thing in the world. This is your chance to stop being single and get a-mingling. These easy steps will get you married, bedded, bare foot and pregnant in less than a year, guaranteed or your money back.

-- Be very religious. Nigerian men loveeeee them some religious girls. you don't actually have to be, you just have to pretend that you are. talk about the night vigils you go to every now and then. slip in some Bible passages in random conversations even when they don't fit in. Give him a Bible for his birthday. call him randomly for "morning prayers". a nigerian man will marry a woman who appears to be religious. fake it till you get that ring baby girl.

-- Pretend to be maternal. Pretend that you love children so much. especially other people's children. coo at them at grocery stores, malls, lounges, planes. talk about how much you love children. carry his friends' kids all day long. offer to help feed them. it doesn't matter that you don't love other people's kids and think that children can be such dicks from a very early age, it should not matter. pretend girl. you're auditioning to be his baby popper, act like one.

-- Don't ever mention that you're a "feminist". femi-gini? that shit don't live here miss. Fuck women rights. accept all traditional roles even when you're dating. when you are dating him, make sure his food is ready as soon as he walks through that door bitch. it doesn't matter that you're in school or you are also working like him, shit like that don't matter. you have to show your man that you can put your back into it and be that super woman who will clean, cook, pop your back in bed and still pop out those kids.

-- You gats deny all them man them. Have you ever had sex? made out with someone? don't have to tell your nigerian man that. when you're asked your body count is 1 or 2, never more than 3 though cos you're already side stepping into whoredom. never mind that your nigerian man's count is like  54, who cares? he's only out there fucking everything in skirt so that he can impress you in bed. all of what he does is for you, you ingrate!! he's out there putting his penis in everything in other to come home and please you in bed and you have the guts to say you have a body count of more than 3? if any man claims he has slept with you, cry and swear that you know no such man. refer to rule number 1, start quoting Bible passages about how your enemies are chasing you and shit.
that whole subtracting 7 from your body count is bullshit. you only have 3 choices: 1, 2, or 3. other than that, you might as well just remain single.

-- A nigerian man has needs that only you can't meet. you have to give him some penis room. why are you being selfish? let men be men. let them have wings to fly. don't be asking him why he came home late. you smell perfume on him? be happy that some girl is keeping him moisturized and smelling all good. that's one thing you don't have to do today. Let them have some fun girl, you just want that ring on your finger don't you? relax. that diamond that you can instagram with well manicured fingers is coming.

-- Last but not least, cook up a storm!!! your man should not be going hungry. cater to his food palette girl!! if you don't cook for him some other girl will cook for him and steal him away. cook him new delicacies all day, find out how his mother used to do it, cook for his friends too. why do you want to eat in restaurant? bitch please use that money and take your arse to the grocery store and make that man some food. let him save that money he would have used to take you out on your ring darling. be wise. a stitch in time saves nine.

This is my good deed for the day. Let him who have ears, listen or something like that.