imperfectly me

i was going to do a thankful post but i'm not really feeling thankful right now.

i've had a very bad semester, all i can think of right now is going home to my parents and just curling up on my dad's bed and crying. since i got to this country, i haven't been able to cry, like seriously, i can only cry while watching a poetry piece and i recently bought the brave new voices DVD and i just ball my eyes out every time i watch that piece.

i don't like my life at all, i've become very resigned.i used to be so full of life, i used to be so much fun, i used to be able to say what was on my mind when i wanted to. i used to be able to call up a friend and just cry, i know i can still do that but my friends are all thrown across america and the world and we are all so busy with college that its so hard. i used to be so smart-well, i still am but its no longer fun.i no longer get that awesome self-fulfilled feeling of pride when i get an A. i'm all burnt out. i had so much plans and dreams for my life that everyday i feel like i'm settling, i know i'm settling. i no longer get the urge to study and i spend my day feeling average.

i don't have friends i trust, infact i can count the friends i can actually talk to without being worried that the whole world will hear what i just told them in confidence and apart from my high school friends i can only mention 1 or 2 nigerians and very few girls. only this guy and my friend Carl(i should write about him, his white ass is like the cutest guy i've ever seen) have kept me going, made me laugh, made me thanksgiving dinner.

i've kinda been avoiding this blog cos nowadays when i get angry, i no longer come on here, i just write poems...yeah, i love my creative writing class, its a ray of sunshine in a very cloudy engineering major's life.

i know people say no man can live like an island, but i think i'm the exception. i'm not the friendliest of persons.i don't do it intentionally.people meet me for the first time and automatically decide that i'm snobby...i'm just reserved when i meet people the first few times.

i normally just stay in my room and turn off the outside world, i dont like drama in my life, i really don't. i'm not confrontational, at all, i usually just ignore people or simply cut you out of my life. that part i'm incredibly good at, it surprises me at the ease i can stop talking to someone who was supposedly an old good friend of mine.

one of my friends who i no longer talk to, i have him on twitter and on facebook, he is muted and hidden respectively in both of those networks. we used to be the best of friends in high school, we would talk to each other for hours, our mothers met because of us and realised that they apparently knew each other from high school.i always listen to his troubles and i've always been there for him.i remember when his dad died, he told me he couldn't close his eyes to go to sleep cos he was scared that he was going to die too, i stayed up with him night after night on school nights and talked to him, joked with him, just to keep his mind off his dad's death.i listened to him talk about the countless girls that he liked and i swear there was a new one every week and i sucked it up and listened. i dont think there was anything that he did not tell me, i knew every damn thing about him, i could blackmail him but thats the trouble, he never listened to anything i had to say.he always told me i was being childish everytime i tried to talk to him about MY problems and then i got tired of having a one sided friendship. when we both came to the US for college, i just kinda cut him off cos i just got tired of being told that i was being childish and there was a time we had a misunderstanding and he called me a liar, you can call me a lot of things, just dont call me a liar. there and then, i just let go of that friendship, it stopped being healthy to me.

i'm imperfect.i will never be perfect. if you cant love me when i'm totally flawed and at my absolute worse then i really dont need you hanging around me. i need friends i can trust.i need to surround myself with people i care about and care about me. i'd rather be totally lonely and without friends than settle and lower my standards. that being said, i do have awesome friends..just not many.

i still am incredibly thankful for God, for family, for awesome if few friends, for life, for love, for all good things that i've been blessed with this year. wow, look at that, and i thought i didnt have anything to be thankful for. i'm thankful God, i'm really thankful.

leggy

i think he knows

she has been talking to him for a few months and life has never been better.

he understands her, no guy has ever understood her the way he does.

they all think they know her till she leaves and they realise that they never did.

it was quite rare that he knew almost everything about her which was surprising considering the fact that all the previous guys in her life told her how complicated she was but he had her all figured out.

she didnt know much about him, he knew plenty about her. what made her mad, what made her giggle. he told her that her fits of giggles sounded like rain drops in the middle of the night, that made her giggle some more at the cheesiness of it all.

he took her on drives in the middle of the night and had a million and one nicknames for her. sometimes, she asked him if he was just interested in permuting her name cos he had 100s of nicknames for her just from derivations of her name.

he thinks she's awesome and he tells her every chance he gets.

he gets her, he doesnt crowd her, gives her space and makes her want him..miss him.

he told her that he loves her, late at night.

it came as a huge surprise.

he was never serious,always giggling and laughing, she has never actually seen him serious.

they flirted with each other, told each other stuff and enjoyed each other's company but love?

he kept saying, dont you love me back?

he thinks she patronises him.

she has never answered the if she was available question.

it would never happen.

both of them.

oil and water never mix.

she thinks he deserves more than this threat of her as his girl.

his girl?

she just wanted to be called that.

once.

by him.

to last her a life time of not being his.

he told her he loves her.

wants her.

he wants to know if she feels the same way.

she doesnt answer

but she does

and

she thinks he knows.

been wanting to post in a while but i've been busy.

this post is just that.a post.

take and make of it what you want.

school is raping me.i'm Chemical engineering why do i have to take this stupid civil engineering class?!

i cant wait for thanksgiving to get here.i need a break.

been doing my blogrounds, sometimes i dont comment but trust me, ive read them all.

leggy.

dear heart,

dear heart,

we had an agreement.

why someone so awesome?

why someone so hard to resist?

why him?

i really do wonder what you see. you make me smile.you brought me strawberry lemonade and a croissant cos my facebook status said that i was too lazy to get up and get lunch this afternoon.

you worry about my obsession with spongebob, i worry about your obsession with arrested development.

i told you that zoe can make me gay and you said :'wow, my competition is a woman?'

you tell me i'm awesome every single time we talk.

YOU make me feel awesome.

and when you turn to smile at me right after i hit you for saying something really silly, you just turn, stare at me and laugh and make me like you even more.

you put up with my mood swings, my headaches, my depression and make me smile all the time.

it worries me that we would never date.

the only thing standing between you and i is reality.

and my skin.

and your eyes.

wake me when society fades.

i raided tumblr and i loved those quotes.

i hate mutual crushes.

they never end well.

leggy.

is it your money?

i cannot stand people who rant when rich people spend their money the way they see fit.

they made the money didnt they?did you make it with them?

i understand the need to contribute to charities and ish but seriously, if the person doesnt want to, its seriously none of your business. it's their money.they made it alone.

why dont you make your own money, enter forbes list then share the money to all the poor!!

freaking stop complaining about something that is none of your damn business.

i hate that some nigerians have this sense of entitlement towards rich people's money.

are you kidding me?

let someone contribute to charity or help you out because they want to, not because they are entitled to or because you feel that because you know the person that the person is entitled to help you.

freaking get over it.

the priviledged seriously owe you nothing.

stop freaking complaining when they spend THEIR money, that is why it is THEIR money, THEY worked for it not YOU so dont frigging tell them how the heck to spend the money that THEY worked hard for!!!

you can obviously tell that im so mad right now.

i cant stand it when people complain that rich people dont give to the poor, and quoting Bible for me. Jesus said 'give with a cheerful heart' not because some people want you to.

its all good and well to give to the poor but please do not detect to someone who worked hard all their lives on how to spend their money.

leggy

i like being normal

i like being in like.

even if its with his slanted eyes and that secret tattoo on his back that noone knows about.

i like having a normal family

even if it means that i dont have any stories to tell

i liked having a happy childhood

even if it means i dont have any parents to blame for my failures

i love having parents who think im awesome

i dont believe any other person who tells me that im not

i love being past that stage where i care about what people say about me

i think i like having people talk about me

i like the fact that i've never had a boyfriend

noone ever asks me about my opinion on a relationship

i'm sorry that you think that i lead boys on

i dont have a reason, its just fun.

i like that i've accepted the fact that college is for experimenting

we wouldnt be here without it.

i like being normal.

even if it means i'm boring.

by the way, my statics test raped me big time just incase you were wondering.

nigeria and other countries

took a study break by 2:40am to read the BBA5 link my friend sent me...comments made after the uti win.

so, apparently, a lot of africans who commented said that he only won because he was nigerian...(ummm...duh!you think?!)

that because a lot of nigerians work at m-net so they just gave uti the money even though the other guy won.....(chee yah, try and get more of your people into mnet now).

that no matter what happens that nigerians are still known as crooks..(sure, we're crooks, but we're rich crooks)

that its unfair because we are the most populous black country in the world so they shouldnt choose by voting...(sigh...dont forget highest number of telecommunication networks in africa so we kinda have the cellphones to vote too)

someone even said something about the size of our penis..(yeah, just like d'banj said: we are kinda endowed like that)

big brother africa is nigerian..(this one cracked me up, i mean he doesnt have to be nigerian, we are crooks, we probably just bribed him.)

because we are rich we think we can dominate africa...(yeah...sigh..sorry but if it makes you feel better, obama didnt come to our country, he went to ghana.i think thats why hes approval ratings are dropping so much btw.lol)

someone said our anthem is such an irony..(yeah, we kinda used that literary device cos we are literary geniuses like that...side eye at wole soyinka, chinua achebe, chimamada)

if our girls are so pretty why did uti go for sheila(shes apparently another contestant), someone replied this comment and said 'because nigerian girls are ugly' ..(yeah, thats why we are the only country that has produced a black miss world who also ranked 7th in the universe..yawn, very boring fact ofcourse)

nigerians are manipulative..(ummm...baby?we know.)

some of the comments:

- All 9JA people are arrogant and shallow and they think they own GOD

- ITS CONFIRMED!!!!!! MNET IS TRYING TO BUY NIGERIAS VIEWERSHIP CAUSE OF ITS POPULAS...ITS A HUGE MARKET!!!! ....AT OUR EXPENSE!!!

- he battle was between Munya & Mwisho. They have been robbed. My take would have been Mwisho.It is 419 as usual.

- True guys south africa need to wake up nigeria make money out of us. It's not a an african show but nigerian. if you guys remember if those guys none of their countries voted where are thre other vote.

-

Concerned As far as I am concerned, this show is totally NIgerian, from producers, to Presenters to winners. It is in OSuth africa yet tehre is hardly any SOuth African srtists ever featured on teh show. Uti did not deserve to win, it was Munya;s win, except he is not NIgerian...

p.s:ofcourse you have to take their english into consideration.

dont you just love it when other african countries hate on us?

i didnt watch the show but just reading that thread gave me an idea of what the show was like.

so apparently ghana supported us-im still in shock by this fact sha.

i wish i knew how to do a screen shot. the comments were super funny.

back to doing thermo homework, studying for statics exam and writing a paper for my english class.

sigh.

i hate school.

i like you, because

- i've seen you cry.

- most importantly you've seen me cry and i kinda need you near me so that you cant tell anyone else what i look like when i cry.

- you think im cute even when im in an oversized t-shirt and hair net.

- you thought i was gay the first time we met cos my friend mike told you so.thanks mike.

- you're private.i like that.

- you let me get away with not texting you back whenever i just dont feel like it

-you look so funny when you scold me that i always burst out laughing.i just cant seem to keep a straight face when you're angry.

- my accent cracks you up

- you're an awesome kisser

- you know enough to leave me alone when i dont want to talk

- you respect the fact that i dont want a boyfriend or to define our relationship but we do have an understanding.

- you're smart.i can have an intelligent conversation with you.

- you are sweet enough to send me lady antebellum's 'i need you' at exactly 1:15am.

- you help me crack my knuckles

- you believe in me

i like you, because, you are everything i need in my life and more.

i like you mostly because you like me too.

i'm also glad that you do not know about my blog.so i can write about you whenever i want!!

ive been really depressed lately.i dont know why.i cant cry.i dont know where my tears have gone. i dont even know why im depressed.

ughhh!!

i love my creative writing class,it takes the stress off of all the engineering classes that im taking this semester.

i hope you guys are having a great week cos im having a horrible one.i just want to cry.ill be back with a proper post soon.

p.s:if you're following me and you want me to check out your blog.just leave me a comment on this post and ill check you out,thanks.

love,

leggy