Monday, April 16, 2012

a heads up to the boyfriend

- do not feed me pizza. i don't care how amazing it is or how that little place in austin got featured on 'great little eats', i don't care if we're in italy and i just 'must try the pizza, it's italy'. you are not allowed to feed me pizza. i think my hate for pizza has something to do with the first and only time i watched porn...there was a pizza delivery boy.

- i never shave my legs. this makes it sound like i shave it sometimes so let me rephrase. i have never shaved my legs and do not intend to start anytime soon, so feel free to grow that non-existent moustache you've always wanted to grow since primary 5.

- i am that girl who never gets hit on in nigerian clubs. more importantly, i am that flat, tall girl who is not supposed to be in heels and cannot dance at the back of the club. i look awkward and i fail at trying to be sexy. disregard the makeup on my face if any, my friends put it on me.

- i do enjoy cooking, so you will sit through every single horrible food i put out and you will tell me how amazing they are.
(blink twice if you're lying, so that i never serve that again). i love baking cupcakes, they are so pretty but i hate how they taste, so yeah, you will be required to finish them off and still be in shape.

- you will learn how to cook.

- i really do not mind doing your laundry, if you do not mind doing mine.

- i adore 'moulin rouge' and you will sit there and watch it with me AND sing along. this is not a compromise. you will pretend to like it.

- i will sit through your footballs, basketballs and american footballs. i did not say i would watch them with you. i said i'd sit through them. interpret that in whatever way you deem fit.

- i need you tall.

- we will argue. you will tell me the things i do that annoy you so that i can keep doing them. you will hate me at some point, that's cool too.

- you will agree that fried yam>>>fried plantain. this is all we need for a successful relationship. just this. this is number one on my 'things i need in a boyfriend list'.

- knowing me, you're probably benin or hausa or white...just to piss my aunties off.

- we will eventually break up or get married. 2 options. just 2 options.

- you will love me. enough for both of us. you will need all of that to keep me. i want to be kept.