I remember the first time i saw you.
You stared at me through out that night without saying a word to me. You spoke to my friends and never directed any of your questions towards me.
You were so dark and the whites of your teeth when you burst into unexpected laughter always came as a surprise. You had the weirdest eyes, and sometimes i'd forget that i wasn't supposed to be looking into them.
I didn't go to your wake. I couldn't go.
I sat around an hour away and counted reasons why i shouldn't go -
you didn't belong to me anymore,
the moments between the corners of september and may were locked away forever,
i never belonged to you,
you were terrifying in the way you wanted me,
i was selfish in the way i didn't want you.
you left and a text message announcing your leaving was all i had, and not even from you. i couldn't stop crying for a week. i gave myself a week to mourn you. you wouldn't have liked all the crying, you hated people being sad around you.
You thought you could fix the world...
You thought you could fix me if you tried hard enough, if you begged hard enough, You thought you could mold me back into happiness if I'd just let you try but your hands were full of sin, young man.
bon voyage, mon chéri homme français
I hope you have a quarter for the boat man.