Sunday, April 5, 2015

I'm not here to talk you off that ledge

on days when life is especially hard
and living isn't cutting it anymore
on days when you stand waiting for the subway,
and have the sudden urge to jump.
on days when you find your ledge and decide to take the plunge
i do not intend to talk you off the edge
you have such beautiful long legs
made for jumping into things that were never going to last anyway.

i understand that you have waited endlessly for tomorrows
but there are so many people waiting
against all logic for tomorrow to bring us something the yesterdays forgot
and we are all waiting
and i understand that you're tired of waiting
and you're so tired of just being

And you just want tomorrow to bring you the strength to get out of bed.
To brush your teeth,
Call your mum,
Be able to say you went grocery shopping.
That you talked to people today
That your brain is behaving itself today.
That the demons didn't come this time
And you don't really feel the tears coming down anymore cos you're so used to it.
And life doesn't let you get up before knocking you down again.

I can write a line or two to convince a lover to stay
I have laid on white sheets
And let the sun find me between yellow arms because I needed to tear metaphors out of the skin of a five year-long one night stand
But I cannot figure out how to ask you to stay.
because i understand that the sadness has refused to leave,
but there are too many ledges with too many beautiful views for you to choose this one you're standing on right now.
so call your mum and let her voice guilt you into staying another day.
and then another
call your lover and let him tell you how his day went
walk to the coffee shop with him and stare at the way his fingers simultaneously kiss his lips and the pages of that book he insists on telling you about.
call your friend and let her tell you about that boy you hate but she won't stop loving
talk to yourself and try to find reasons for you to stay-
you never really read "The Alchemist" and you've been pretending for so many years;
you've never had an orgasm;
Coronas exist;
i never want to be one of those people telling you to "choose happiness"
i've always thought that was ridiculous
because if we could all just "choose happiness" wouldn't we all?
and i cannot promise you that it'll get better.
we're all entirely waiting for better.
And i'm really not here to talk you off the edge
because i know first hand how eroding this darkness can be
but when the demons return,
please, 
please,
set them on fire.


love,
leggy








Saturday, February 7, 2015

The audition

You get a call announcing that you've got a call back
So you wait and pine and rehearse 
And look forward to the day 
You carefully pick out your clothes
Think through all your witty remarks 
You're sure you're ready
You're sure you'll get the part
And you're not even auditioning for the lead character
Any minor one will do
Or maybe an understudy
An occasional night performing for a real audience 
So the day comes
And he shows up at your door
You're just so ready with all your answers and opinions
And that joke you heard from your coworker that you're going to pass off as an original
You talk about the music playing
You're pouring out all the acting chops that you've learnt and mastered all your life.
This might be it.
The big break.
The one everybody talks about.
All the things you're supposed to feel
Oh the things you'll feel
So you get to the movies
Welp!
That's 2 hours that you'll have to smize and send out good vibes
Cos there's no talking at the movies
And you hadn't considered that.
So you sit there
You don't want to be that black person.
So you watch the movie
And you sit there for those 2 hours thinking of the books you could have read, the songs you could have stayed home and swayed to.
But no, you're at a fucking movie.
And the movie ends and the audition begins again 
And you laugh and jest.
But he drives you back home.
Drops you off.
Hugs you and smiles;
Says - let's do this again.
So now you know, 
You for sure aren't getting a call back from this casting director.
But somehow, you're okay with it.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Tarnished Parts

"this love is so new, it squeaks and shines 
and lies a little bit,
got secrets and shit to hide
a little bit"

- Zora Howard

We will drink beer 
and try out restaurants 
and make reservations and 
dress up for dinner. 
you will giggle at my feistiness,
you will find all my faults adorable and endearing. 
we will sit on the same side of the corner booth and hold hands and touch each other underneath the table. 
you will find my scars beautiful, worth exploring, you will find the possibilities of me endless.

you will buy me cheap white dresses that barely cover my legs
and we'll try to make out in poorly lit hookah bars
against doors
while the whole world barely lends us a look
your mouth will bend my name into barely heard sounds that flit past my ears.
your teeth will explore and bite at places the sun cannot see
you will want me, all bold, all black, all skin and bones
all dark and terrible
all sinful
all drenched,
all wet,
all shaking.

i have tried to obey the saints and the apostles
but i have run across the rain with you
and explored your lips in unbelievably beautiful places
and places that were breathtaking because you were there
and i was there
and the day was yellow and beautiful and smelled like Awka after the rare rain at the peak of harmattan

i'm new to this,
this reawakening and longing of a body.
i have stood on ledges,
on train platforms,
and fantasized about taking another step forward.
so hold me, while this love is still brand new
while we try to convince ourselves that we're not just stopping by for a moment.
lets pretend that we can be normal lovers,
waking up to each other
you drinking coffee; me telling you that coffee is terrible for you.
lets pretend that this is forever before you get to the tarnished parts
the small towns on this body that were burnt down and colonised before you reached this land

But,
your hands, young man, feel like the right thing to make this skin into fiery sunsets
and that is reason enough
to make camp here
if only, for the night.


love,
leggy




Thursday, October 2, 2014

I wrote this for you

1. You frankly didn't have enough money for me to want you for it.

2. I'm sorry I had too many opinions and thought too highly of women to be with you.

3. I wasn't going to compete with her for you. I hope when you get home at night and lie with her, she smells me on you.

4. I hope her smiley faces on Instagram last forever.

5. Yesterday someone called me beautiful and only you would understand why that would make me cry.

6. You were an act of rebellion that I regret.

7. It wasn't love. It was something like it. More volatile, more passionate, more delusional. It looked like love but it was never love.

8. You said "don't ever change. Don't let anyone change you". Then you left for a boring girl with a soft voice and no strong opinions.

9. I don't believe in karma. You'll have a good life. I wasn't a safe pick.

10. There was something beautiful about the way we dug into each other, the way we made feasts out of our bodies. Our bodies belonged together.

11. I will never write another word about you.

Monday, September 29, 2014

23.

I turn 23 in approximately 6 hours.

when i turned 21, i literally thought time would freeze and i'd be 21 forever but apparently not.
time has flown by so quickly.
i hope this will be a good year for me.
my twenties have not at all turned out how i thought and hoped it would.
it's been a very shitty last few years for me.
like really shitty.
i've cried more in my twenties than in my entire life put together.
i've made shitty choices.
i've had really shitty people come into my life just to fuck me up over and over again.
i've never been farther away from God.


So, here's to 23.
please, please, be kind to me.




leggy.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Birthday gift ideas for your nigerian boyfriend.

i once knew a guy whose friend's girlfriend gave his friend a bible for his birthday present and that apparently made her marriage material. i kid you not. this guy i knew and his friend said with so much conviction how mature, and spiritual and ready for marriage she was. So because i love you guys and want y'all to get that ring;

a list of things that are acceptable as gifts for your nigerian men are:

-- Obviously, a Bible - because a Bible says that you have read proverbs 31. a Bible shows that you are not materialistic and don't want that nigha for his money because that same bible contains the passage - the root of all evil is sin or something like that. even better, you won't need to spend like half your tax returns buying him something expensive.

-- fedex food - some guy told me recently that he wouldn't be surprised if i end up not getting married because i refused to cook for him. this is a nigha i am not dating oh. i told him my parents didn't send me to america to cook for men who are not paying my rent. it got me thinking about some girl that fedex-ed her boyfriend chinchin and pepper soup from half way across the state and well, let me just say that that dude is still with that girl and will probably marry her. if that's not prove that you should send that care package, i really, really don't know what is.

-- a ring - nothing says "keep getting me a ring at the back of your mind" like literally giving your boyfriend a ring. during the presentation you can quietly slip in the size of your fingers, you know, just in case he needs a little push. also, talk about how much you don't even want an expensive ring, marrying him is all that matters to you.

-- a free pass - chances are he's already sleeping with funmi but just imagine him actually having your approval? he'd love you for life.

birthday gifts can be cheap and easy and still set you up for bigger things to come in the future. you can go around buying your man actual gifts you think he might like or you can save your money and invest in your future. all terms and conditions apply sha.

do you have any gift ideas that you think our various nigerian men would appreciate? let me know in the comments. this could save a life...or a relationship.

love,
leggy.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

you're allowed to feel all the feels you want to feel

why aren't women allowed to be bitter? sometimes bitter is what you should be feeling.
i find that women are constantly under watch by the emotion police. especially nigerian women. you cannot talk about something your ex did to you without being labelled bitter. you cannot talk about your experiences without some idiot coming out and calling you bitter, telling you that if you'd moved on that you wouldn't still be talking about it.

you also probably shouldn't be around people who ask you how long a friendship/relationship lasted and then use your answer to estimate what you should or should not be feeling. trying to undermine your experiences with the amount of time that person was in your life. no matter how small a time you spent with someone, it doesn't change the fact that love - either romantic or platonic love - changes you in some small or really ridiculously huge way. it doesn't change the fact that this person was in your life for a certain amount of time, it doesn't matter that y'all knew it would end, it doesn't matter that y'all thought it'd last forever, it doesn't matter what the intentions were.
but when love ends, you're allowed to mourn, you're allowed to feel what you're feeling.
if bitter is what you're feeling, you're allowed to be bitter. don't let anyone bully you into pretending that you're not feeling anything. feel what you want to feel. you don't owe anyone any explanation or justification for your feels. feel it and then move on.

also, people need to realise that what you felt when something happened to you doesn't necessary mean that someone else should feel that same way. this is something i struggle with too. i find that sometimes i get over things quite easily, i gangsta through my feelings and move on but i need to realise that just because that is how i process things doesn't mean that that is how someone else should process their feels. let people feel what they are feeling, don't tell them what they should be feeling instead.

you don't always have to be the bigger person, the do-what-is-right person. this right here is something i struggle with sometimes in my life. i find that sometimes i do things because i know it is the right thing to do, not necessarily because i want to do them. this person did this? cut them off. this person said that? let them go. i never allow myself to feel what i'm feeling and accept that i'm human and others are human and sometimes people mess up and sometimes i'm allowed to mess up, and i'm allowed to feel what i feel and sometimes i should do what i want to do not what someone else wants me to feel or act how i think someone else wants me to act. sometimes, i wake up and wonder if i had just gone with what i was feeling if things would be different, instead of going with what i know i should do. i also struggle with advising my friends. i'm working on letting my friends know that they're allowed to do what they want to do, feel what they want to feel. i might think that it's stupid and i might think why don't you just get over it? but i never want anyone to wake up 5 years later and think - maybe if i had made that phone call, maybe if i had reached out. i never want anyone to stifle their emotions in this bid to be the one who moves on the fastest and wake up years later to realise that they have all these issues because they never learnt to feel their emotions and that in a bid to move on so quickly they ended up not resolving why something ended and why they no longer feel the need to feel what they felt.

here ends my rant of the day.
did not proofread.

love,
leggy