how to sit back and laugh like my tongue is dipped in cherries and honey
how to shut up and bite my tongue even when i should
i do not know how to stop halfway, how to back away from things that are not mine
i do not know how to not claim territory,
i feel like no matter how loud i am people don't hear me
i do not know how to pretend that you haven't hurt me
i do not know how to make you love me.
i want to be a safe place for you
but i do not know how to dim this fierce thing i feel
you bring out all the sharp places in me,
and i do not mean to constantly draw blood when you come to me for safety
i do not know how to be this person you want me to be
i do not know how to simmer.
this thing between us is cheap and vulgar but i fully bought into it knowing that
i stumbled upon you with hands covered in sin and alcohol
i wasn't expecting anything holy.
and i stay when you tell me that she's the well you have to drink from or you'd die of thirst
and i'm the desert.
i stay when you come to me with blindfolds and ease
i stay because you make my spine throb on your good days
and i stay because i wake up choked in tears on your bad days
and either way, at least you make me feel something
i stay because to stay stimulated even when i have no stomach for it, even when i want to crumble every time you reach for me makes me feel alive.
after my fifth glass of cheap wine
i forget that i can still taste her on your lips
i pretend that this thing is real and special
i can only love you when i'm drunk
only in the dark,
only on nights when i need to burrow into flesh
the thing is,
i stay because i cannot leave.
because where would i start picking up the pieces of your life you have left all over my couch?
which cities would i have to start avoiding?
i envy those women,
who smell like cinnamon and never settle for less.
i stay because secretly, i want to break your heart
i want to plant mines under your skin
that i hope your future lovers find.
The thing is,
by God, i'm so tired of writing about you
and all the ways i'm breaking my own heart.