imperfectly me

i was going to do a thankful post but i'm not really feeling thankful right now.

i've had a very bad semester, all i can think of right now is going home to my parents and just curling up on my dad's bed and crying. since i got to this country, i haven't been able to cry, like seriously, i can only cry while watching a poetry piece and i recently bought the brave new voices DVD and i just ball my eyes out every time i watch that piece.

i don't like my life at all, i've become very resigned.i used to be so full of life, i used to be so much fun, i used to be able to say what was on my mind when i wanted to. i used to be able to call up a friend and just cry, i know i can still do that but my friends are all thrown across america and the world and we are all so busy with college that its so hard. i used to be so smart-well, i still am but its no longer fun.i no longer get that awesome self-fulfilled feeling of pride when i get an A. i'm all burnt out. i had so much plans and dreams for my life that everyday i feel like i'm settling, i know i'm settling. i no longer get the urge to study and i spend my day feeling average.

i don't have friends i trust, infact i can count the friends i can actually talk to without being worried that the whole world will hear what i just told them in confidence and apart from my high school friends i can only mention 1 or 2 nigerians and very few girls. only this guy and my friend Carl(i should write about him, his white ass is like the cutest guy i've ever seen) have kept me going, made me laugh, made me thanksgiving dinner.

i've kinda been avoiding this blog cos nowadays when i get angry, i no longer come on here, i just write poems...yeah, i love my creative writing class, its a ray of sunshine in a very cloudy engineering major's life.

i know people say no man can live like an island, but i think i'm the exception. i'm not the friendliest of persons.i don't do it intentionally.people meet me for the first time and automatically decide that i'm snobby...i'm just reserved when i meet people the first few times.

i normally just stay in my room and turn off the outside world, i dont like drama in my life, i really don't. i'm not confrontational, at all, i usually just ignore people or simply cut you out of my life. that part i'm incredibly good at, it surprises me at the ease i can stop talking to someone who was supposedly an old good friend of mine.

one of my friends who i no longer talk to, i have him on twitter and on facebook, he is muted and hidden respectively in both of those networks. we used to be the best of friends in high school, we would talk to each other for hours, our mothers met because of us and realised that they apparently knew each other from high school.i always listen to his troubles and i've always been there for him.i remember when his dad died, he told me he couldn't close his eyes to go to sleep cos he was scared that he was going to die too, i stayed up with him night after night on school nights and talked to him, joked with him, just to keep his mind off his dad's death.i listened to him talk about the countless girls that he liked and i swear there was a new one every week and i sucked it up and listened. i dont think there was anything that he did not tell me, i knew every damn thing about him, i could blackmail him but thats the trouble, he never listened to anything i had to say.he always told me i was being childish everytime i tried to talk to him about MY problems and then i got tired of having a one sided friendship. when we both came to the US for college, i just kinda cut him off cos i just got tired of being told that i was being childish and there was a time we had a misunderstanding and he called me a liar, you can call me a lot of things, just dont call me a liar. there and then, i just let go of that friendship, it stopped being healthy to me.

i'm imperfect.i will never be perfect. if you cant love me when i'm totally flawed and at my absolute worse then i really dont need you hanging around me. i need friends i can trust.i need to surround myself with people i care about and care about me. i'd rather be totally lonely and without friends than settle and lower my standards. that being said, i do have awesome friends..just not many.

i still am incredibly thankful for God, for family, for awesome if few friends, for life, for love, for all good things that i've been blessed with this year. wow, look at that, and i thought i didnt have anything to be thankful for. i'm thankful God, i'm really thankful.

leggy

i think he knows

she has been talking to him for a few months and life has never been better.

he understands her, no guy has ever understood her the way he does.

they all think they know her till she leaves and they realise that they never did.

it was quite rare that he knew almost everything about her which was surprising considering the fact that all the previous guys in her life told her how complicated she was but he had her all figured out.

she didnt know much about him, he knew plenty about her. what made her mad, what made her giggle. he told her that her fits of giggles sounded like rain drops in the middle of the night, that made her giggle some more at the cheesiness of it all.

he took her on drives in the middle of the night and had a million and one nicknames for her. sometimes, she asked him if he was just interested in permuting her name cos he had 100s of nicknames for her just from derivations of her name.

he thinks she's awesome and he tells her every chance he gets.

he gets her, he doesnt crowd her, gives her space and makes her want him..miss him.

he told her that he loves her, late at night.

it came as a huge surprise.

he was never serious,always giggling and laughing, she has never actually seen him serious.

they flirted with each other, told each other stuff and enjoyed each other's company but love?

he kept saying, dont you love me back?

he thinks she patronises him.

she has never answered the if she was available question.

it would never happen.

both of them.

oil and water never mix.

she thinks he deserves more than this threat of her as his girl.

his girl?

she just wanted to be called that.

once.

by him.

to last her a life time of not being his.

he told her he loves her.

wants her.

he wants to know if she feels the same way.

she doesnt answer

but she does

and

she thinks he knows.

been wanting to post in a while but i've been busy.

this post is just that.a post.

take and make of it what you want.

school is raping me.i'm Chemical engineering why do i have to take this stupid civil engineering class?!

i cant wait for thanksgiving to get here.i need a break.

been doing my blogrounds, sometimes i dont comment but trust me, ive read them all.

leggy.

dear heart,

dear heart,

we had an agreement.

why someone so awesome?

why someone so hard to resist?

why him?

i really do wonder what you see. you make me smile.you brought me strawberry lemonade and a croissant cos my facebook status said that i was too lazy to get up and get lunch this afternoon.

you worry about my obsession with spongebob, i worry about your obsession with arrested development.

i told you that zoe can make me gay and you said :'wow, my competition is a woman?'

you tell me i'm awesome every single time we talk.

YOU make me feel awesome.

and when you turn to smile at me right after i hit you for saying something really silly, you just turn, stare at me and laugh and make me like you even more.

you put up with my mood swings, my headaches, my depression and make me smile all the time.

it worries me that we would never date.

the only thing standing between you and i is reality.

and my skin.

and your eyes.

wake me when society fades.

i raided tumblr and i loved those quotes.

i hate mutual crushes.

they never end well.

leggy.

is it your money?

i cannot stand people who rant when rich people spend their money the way they see fit.

they made the money didnt they?did you make it with them?

i understand the need to contribute to charities and ish but seriously, if the person doesnt want to, its seriously none of your business. it's their money.they made it alone.

why dont you make your own money, enter forbes list then share the money to all the poor!!

freaking stop complaining about something that is none of your damn business.

i hate that some nigerians have this sense of entitlement towards rich people's money.

are you kidding me?

let someone contribute to charity or help you out because they want to, not because they are entitled to or because you feel that because you know the person that the person is entitled to help you.

freaking get over it.

the priviledged seriously owe you nothing.

stop freaking complaining when they spend THEIR money, that is why it is THEIR money, THEY worked for it not YOU so dont frigging tell them how the heck to spend the money that THEY worked hard for!!!

you can obviously tell that im so mad right now.

i cant stand it when people complain that rich people dont give to the poor, and quoting Bible for me. Jesus said 'give with a cheerful heart' not because some people want you to.

its all good and well to give to the poor but please do not detect to someone who worked hard all their lives on how to spend their money.

leggy

i like being normal

i like being in like.

even if its with his slanted eyes and that secret tattoo on his back that noone knows about.

i like having a normal family

even if it means that i dont have any stories to tell

i liked having a happy childhood

even if it means i dont have any parents to blame for my failures

i love having parents who think im awesome

i dont believe any other person who tells me that im not

i love being past that stage where i care about what people say about me

i think i like having people talk about me

i like the fact that i've never had a boyfriend

noone ever asks me about my opinion on a relationship

i'm sorry that you think that i lead boys on

i dont have a reason, its just fun.

i like that i've accepted the fact that college is for experimenting

we wouldnt be here without it.

i like being normal.

even if it means i'm boring.

by the way, my statics test raped me big time just incase you were wondering.

nigeria and other countries

took a study break by 2:40am to read the BBA5 link my friend sent me...comments made after the uti win.

so, apparently, a lot of africans who commented said that he only won because he was nigerian...(ummm...duh!you think?!)

that because a lot of nigerians work at m-net so they just gave uti the money even though the other guy won.....(chee yah, try and get more of your people into mnet now).

that no matter what happens that nigerians are still known as crooks..(sure, we're crooks, but we're rich crooks)

that its unfair because we are the most populous black country in the world so they shouldnt choose by voting...(sigh...dont forget highest number of telecommunication networks in africa so we kinda have the cellphones to vote too)

someone even said something about the size of our penis..(yeah, just like d'banj said: we are kinda endowed like that)

big brother africa is nigerian..(this one cracked me up, i mean he doesnt have to be nigerian, we are crooks, we probably just bribed him.)

because we are rich we think we can dominate africa...(yeah...sigh..sorry but if it makes you feel better, obama didnt come to our country, he went to ghana.i think thats why hes approval ratings are dropping so much btw.lol)

someone said our anthem is such an irony..(yeah, we kinda used that literary device cos we are literary geniuses like that...side eye at wole soyinka, chinua achebe, chimamada)

if our girls are so pretty why did uti go for sheila(shes apparently another contestant), someone replied this comment and said 'because nigerian girls are ugly' ..(yeah, thats why we are the only country that has produced a black miss world who also ranked 7th in the universe..yawn, very boring fact ofcourse)

nigerians are manipulative..(ummm...baby?we know.)

some of the comments:

- All 9JA people are arrogant and shallow and they think they own GOD

- ITS CONFIRMED!!!!!! MNET IS TRYING TO BUY NIGERIAS VIEWERSHIP CAUSE OF ITS POPULAS...ITS A HUGE MARKET!!!! ....AT OUR EXPENSE!!!

- he battle was between Munya & Mwisho. They have been robbed. My take would have been Mwisho.It is 419 as usual.

- True guys south africa need to wake up nigeria make money out of us. It's not a an african show but nigerian. if you guys remember if those guys none of their countries voted where are thre other vote.

-

Concerned As far as I am concerned, this show is totally NIgerian, from producers, to Presenters to winners. It is in OSuth africa yet tehre is hardly any SOuth African srtists ever featured on teh show. Uti did not deserve to win, it was Munya;s win, except he is not NIgerian...

p.s:ofcourse you have to take their english into consideration.

dont you just love it when other african countries hate on us?

i didnt watch the show but just reading that thread gave me an idea of what the show was like.

so apparently ghana supported us-im still in shock by this fact sha.

i wish i knew how to do a screen shot. the comments were super funny.

back to doing thermo homework, studying for statics exam and writing a paper for my english class.

sigh.

i hate school.

i like you, because

- i've seen you cry.

- most importantly you've seen me cry and i kinda need you near me so that you cant tell anyone else what i look like when i cry.

- you think im cute even when im in an oversized t-shirt and hair net.

- you thought i was gay the first time we met cos my friend mike told you so.thanks mike.

- you're private.i like that.

- you let me get away with not texting you back whenever i just dont feel like it

-you look so funny when you scold me that i always burst out laughing.i just cant seem to keep a straight face when you're angry.

- my accent cracks you up

- you're an awesome kisser

- you know enough to leave me alone when i dont want to talk

- you respect the fact that i dont want a boyfriend or to define our relationship but we do have an understanding.

- you're smart.i can have an intelligent conversation with you.

- you are sweet enough to send me lady antebellum's 'i need you' at exactly 1:15am.

- you help me crack my knuckles

- you believe in me

i like you, because, you are everything i need in my life and more.

i like you mostly because you like me too.

i'm also glad that you do not know about my blog.so i can write about you whenever i want!!

ive been really depressed lately.i dont know why.i cant cry.i dont know where my tears have gone. i dont even know why im depressed.

ughhh!!

i love my creative writing class,it takes the stress off of all the engineering classes that im taking this semester.

i hope you guys are having a great week cos im having a horrible one.i just want to cry.ill be back with a proper post soon.

p.s:if you're following me and you want me to check out your blog.just leave me a comment on this post and ill check you out,thanks.

love,

leggy

indecisive

i went from:

i can only date nigerians.

to

i cant stand nigerians, i doubt ill marry one.

to

i cant date other africans either. i rarely even talk to other africans.

to

i can't date someone of a different race.it's a waste of time and my parents would kill me if i did.

to

what they dont know won't hurt them.

to

being invited to watch a movie with him after midnight on saturday. he rented 'something new'. subtle much?

to

oh.what the hell?!he's cute and i like him.ill just go with the flow.

to

we might be different shades of colours...

but i cant help falling in love with you (cue elvis presley's voice).

hey blogville.

i've been terribly busy this semester. i'm taking 6 classes, 19 hours and four engineering classes. but its been okay so far.just woke up to do my CE( i dont know why chEs are required to take a CE class) homework and decided to update my blog.

this is basically what has been going on in my life.

i never drink alcohol but last week during lunch at one of my oyinbo friend's house we ate with white wine and i fell in love. back home, i'd only had red wine(which i hate) so im glad i found a brand of alcohol that i actually like.

i got a macbook pro.so far i love it, i cant code in excel though cos apparently stupid mac excel doesnt support VBA.which is kind of stupid but the next excel office by mac is apparently going to.

sorry for the long hiatus people.

eat well(i've been eating like a cow lately), sleep(i cant remember the last time i got a good night's sleep), love(rolling eyes) and pray(i need to start doing this more often).

love,

leggy.

google is definitely my friend

so, im a hugeeeeeeeeeee failure at comforting my friends' broken heart and seriously, im single.what the heck do you expect?!i've never been heartbroken so i definitely have no clue what they are going through and to tell you the truth some of them just get on my nerves.

they cry and say things like:'i'll never find happiness again'.please, you're 19-20..freaking snap out of it.

'he said he'd always be there'- sigh, seriously?do i even need to comment?

'i cant believe he slept with her, he said he would wait for me to be ready'--thats how he kept himself busy while he waited dear.

'she's not even that pretty'---yeah, sweetheart, im sorry to break it to you, she is.

'he didnt deserve me'-sigh, the classic line.

and then the famous facebook breakup because if its not on facebook, its not official yet.
so and so went from 'in a relationship' to 'single'.
and then ofcourse the girl's friends will comment and go
'he didnt deserve you anyway'--ummm, why didnt you tell her before she got into the relationship
'oneday, you will find someone who will cherish and love you'--oooo--kkaaayyy.
'i cant believe he went into another relationship 5mins after you guys broke up'--amebo, wayy to rub it in.even i am not that insensitive.

i love my friends so ofcourse these are all what i think not what i say.
so i say things like 'dont worry dear, you'll be fine'. recently, we were like a team of 4 and someone stole my line!so you know how everyone says something and then you're left there cracking your brain, so i googled..'things to tell your friend when she is heartbroken'.
so i personally had the best line that night...i quoted the genius that yahoo answers be:
is he really worth all these tears?one day you're going to look back and wonder why you even wasted those tears.

and she burst into more tearsmeaning i did succeed in reaching out to her.

results:blowing up my phone in the middle of the night whenever she cried.sigh.i should have stuck with my classic line 'you'll be fine' cos they always turn out to be anyway

how you guys doing?
this is a little rushed and i couldn't proofread.

leggy.

p.s

i waited 17 years for the perfect first kiss

most of the time, i regret not waiting one more year

to atleast kiss someone i actually really like

now that i've met him....

.....i cant wait to be 19.

leggy

i'll tell her..

that this life is hers and noone should tell her how to own it.

i'll remind her that God gave us the rainbow to view the world because it is never really black and white.

that she should never not doubt because doubting doesnt make her weak, it makes her woman enough to take the truth.

and when those eyes stare her down and feed her disappointment she should learn to accept.

she should be as elastic as the vagina, learn to accept and to give and when the world decides to try to rape her of her innocence, she should learn to heal.

i'll tell her not to be afraid to cry, the tears wash away the hurt, the heartbreak, the failures, it prepares a venue for time to take its course.

and then i'll call her honey to remind her that sweet things never come easy, that just like the bees the world won't hesitate to sting her where it hurts most.

like a lighthouse, i'll lead her to safety.

and just because love like snow melts away easily, it doesnt mean she shouldn't reach out and grab it.

i'll make sure she knows that her caramel tinted skin is God's way of making sure the earth has a little flavour, remind her to treat every man with the same respect because this reality show called life is too short for her to be the judge, she should learn to be a participant.

show her that these feet should be able to carry her to the reality of her dreams but she shouldn't think running is the only way to walk.she should learn to enjoy the sand that keeps her from walking too fast and the water that runs onto shore to wash her scars away.

i'll make sure to let her know,that the millions of words in the dictionary doesnt describe her, how could they possibly begin to describe her uniqueness?

let her know that the birds and the bees cannot begin to describe the chemistry that brought her into this space.

remind her that her tears at birth is the beginning of the duality of good and bad, she should learn to accept each.with open arms she should embrace circumstances but also remember that they do not define who she is or who she would become.

i'll let her realise that the beings that will attract her and make her create her own sexual chemicals do not define her.let her know that love is filled with numerous flavours and she shouldn't be afraid to taste them.

i'll make sure to let her know that her mother isn't perfect, and neither is she.

decided to give you guys a little snippet of what i'm working on.i hope you figured it out, if you didn't...this is a writeup to my unborn girl. tell me what you think.

how you guys doing?

leggy.

happy :-)-->totally random

i'm feeling so much better thanks to you guys.
i spoke to my dad today and he made me laugh so much that when i dropped the phone i realised that i have so much to be thankful for.
so what if im a little tired of some people? there are still many people out there that genuinely care about me and want me to stay happy.
its been so long since i did a random here, so im going to do a random today!!

- its funny how everytime i want something unnecessary from my dad, i say:'well..unless you cant afford it..' and the man will reply saying 'expect it the day after tomorrow'.my dad has soo much pride eh, i actually learnt that trick from my mum who uses it like all the time! its funny how the man has 5 girls plus my mum who use this trick on him and he still hasnt caught up.*shakes head*

- i love music.sometimes, i'd listen to a song and think:'thats exactly how im feeling'. songs make me realise that someone somewhere has already gone through what im going through and that my problem isnt unique.it helps me a lot.
i also just realised that johannes brahms' lullaby was the piece that my mum used to 'sing' and my dad used to whistle to me during bedtime when i was little.
im currently hooked on secrets by one republic.
i dont really like rap cos apart from 5 rap artists that i actually listen to(jay,eminem,TI,kanye and drake), others dont really make sense.i just cant listen to something that i cant really say 'this is what this song is talking about'.im starting to get into B.O.B though.

-i'm a big book fan.I'd read anything.
someone actually advised me to lose myself in a book because of my last post and i took your advise and read sidney sheldon's memories of midnight.it was okay.
i'm a huge harry potter fan-->i cant count how many times ive reread those books.
random fact:the only book more translated than the harry potter series is the Bible.

-i'm not a very religious person.i go to church, i strongly believe in God but im just not that religious.i try to pray often though and i try to be a good person.i really strive to be good.
i try very hard to at least obey the golden rule:'do to others what you would like them to do to you'.
i dont understand people who would do something continuously to someone and then when people turn around and do the same to them they act surprised.
i once heard someone say:'because of the way i insult people, these people are now ganging up to insult me'-->what did you expect?!that they'd lie dormant while you insult them?smh

- have you ever had a crush on someone for like forever and suddenly you just snap out of it?!
i used to like this boy and when he asked me out i just realised:'gosh, i dont want to date him!!what did i see in him in the first place?!'..i let him down easy though.i didnt actually say that i dont like him.sometimes, i think he thinks that i still like him.*rolls eyes*

-19 is the age that my dad would let me have a boyfriend.it used to be 20 until we reached a compromise.a lot of people wonder why i kept to this age thing when my dad is like 3000miles away and wouldn't know if i had a boyfriend.i'm really close to my dad, trust me, he'd find out.i can't keep things from my dad,he always finds out.plus i just feel like my dad has sacrificed so much for his girls(thats what he calls my sisters, my mum and i), if this is the only thing he wants in return then its fine with me.its not like i even want a boyfriend now sef,
purpose of this particular info:im turning 19 in a little over 2 months.
i dont know if i should be excited.shrug. 19 is such an unimportant age.

-A lot of times when i say that ive never worn weaves(and dont see myself wearing one) people think im dissing weaves.nope, i dont care what anyone does with their hair cos frankly, no matter what anybody says its your hair.i just prefer braids or wearing my hair out thats all.

- in a lot of ways, i feel like if i had stayed in nigeria for college, my life would have been a whole lot easier and better.more friends for one. i dont really have close friends here, whenever i have issues i still call my old classmates who are all scattered around the America. i cant wait to move out of my apartment complex though.im tired of everything here.

currently listening to: daughtry - september
i really like my poetry class.i had to write a 7 paged essay and it's worth 20% of my grade.if i make an A in it then im guaranteed an A in the class so my fingers are crossed.
my physics class on the other hand isnt going too well....one of the things that is seriously depressing me.
so apparently, im underweight. i'm trying to gain 10pounds so ive been eating a lot of meat which i really dont think is going to help because thats all ive always eaten and i never gain weight.
everytime i pass a mirror or a reflective door, i look at my reflection, does that make me vain?
i have this really good friend of mine who is becoming to matured eh, its now such a pleasure having a conversation with her.

have a great week,
leggy.

i'm drowning

this summer
everyone around me seems so bent on changing me
i'm surrounded by the whole world and still i feel so alone
i grope in the dark trying to find some directions
everyone seems to know how exactly i should live my life
everyone has that memo but me
i'm drowning in a very dark sea and everyone is watching me drown.
i had lunch with him last night
i talked, he listened
'you'll be fine', he said
why dont i believe that?
ive hit an all time, record-breaking low.
every night i waste in tears
but i'm strong
so every morning, i dust off my smile and put it back on
because i need to survive.


currently listening to: enya:only time.

dear crush.

i got this from juicegal, who got it from burramint.
i'm going to write my letters but not in that particular order. im going to write all the 30 letters, i'm just going to write each one as the words come.


to the boy i have a crush on.

dear boy-i-have-a-crush-on,

i want to kiss you like vows unbroken --> bassey ikpi

i like you. like really like you. i like you like i like strawberries dipped in chocolate that you brought me for lunch in school and then made a big deal about it not being a valentine gift. i never told anyone that because i haven't liked anyone in a long time i dont want to jinx you.

i like you how i like omelet even though i might be lactose intolerant.i guess this is my way of saying that even though i really like you i still think that you are really bad for me. i like you like i like taking walks which you insist i do because i dont want to burden anyone by asking for rides and then you show up at my door every sunday to prevent me from walking the 30minutes to school. i like you for that.

i like you the way i like badly written books but i cant stop reading them because i can't believe that the editor was so stupid as to publish them. i dont even know what that means.

i like that you like me for me. that you like my weird humor and you compliment me every chance you get. girls like compliments, you would think that every boy would know that but they really don't. seriously.

i hate that you are shy.i hate that you have never given me a real hug but always complain that i skip you whenever i hug people. i like that you apologise whenever you do something that you think even remotely made me mad. i like that you have absolutely no idea how to be romantic, so that when you actually do something romantic i know that it is very genuine. i like that we have that unspoken secrecy.what we talk, text or facebook about remains totally between us. i like that you know that i only jump into the bathroom when you call me to tell me that you are on your way to my house, i like that you dont whine about having to wait for me. i like that you like me. for me.just me.

with love,

leggy.

an unusual love story

contrary to popular belief, no songs went off when i saw him, i didnt walk in to that room in slow motion and he didnt look up at me with the sudden realisation that we were meant to be. the scenario above would have been nice but contrary to the romantic comedies, none of that happened. instead, we argued.
i said his name was ridiculous, he said he thought i was very igbo(which i am and proudly too.). so no, we didn't start off on the right foot, but at least we started off on a foot huh?that's something right?
insults became our thing, i thought he was too tall, he thought i was too tall for a girl..i said he was dumb, he said i looked like a worn out broom every time i put on heels...to which i begged to differ.

the insults turned into discussions held long into the wee hours of the night and we used to try to keep track of how many minutes we had spoken since we met, i was so sure it was 480,000minutes..he thinks its 479999minutes.
he thinks im attractive. 'i know', i always reply
he thinks im vain. 'if i dont love me who will?', i always retort.
i find that the fact that since his time in america he has never had one black girlfriend, all white, is very interesting; he thinks that the fact that i think my Japanese friends are ridiculously cute is a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black. to which i replied: but you do know that you are black right?
gazing at the stars and trying to spot stars in the starless city that we live in is our thing.

no.this isn't a post about how we fell in love, this is a post about our friendship.
the fact that he sends me hilarious voice messages whenever he travels telling me how many stars he counted in the skies.
that part of our friendship where he makes me laugh till i cant catch my breath.
he sends me pictures of very ridiculous things, like a girl with her butt crack showing with messages like:doesnt this bear a remarkable resemblance to your face?
the fact that he makes me feel good about myself whenever i talk to him.
that kind of guy who put the man in manhood
who knows how to make a girl's heart beat to his footsteps.

and even though we have 4 years between us, we still understand each other very well.
i do not finish his sentences.
i do not know what he is thinking before he says it.
but i listen to what he has to say when he does say it.

he's probably the worst cook you'd ever meet, he thinks wherever he has to put salt then sugar has to follow suit, he thinks that putting the most ridiculous things in food and adding red wine makes him a chef.

his igbo is nothing to write home about regardless of the fact that he speaks english, french and spanish fluently. so i insult him in igbo while he teaches me all the dirty words no respectable professor will teach me in french class.

this post was definitely in rambles and pieces but thats how our friendship is.full of randoms.
i spoke to him last night for two hours.
so since we've met, we've spoken for 480,120 minutes, he thinks we have spoken for 480,119minutes.
see how he infuriates me?

im late for work so im going to skip the process of looking for a favourite facebook status.
hope you guys are doing well? im so eager to move into my new apartment which comes furnished!!im shopping for beddings though.heard j.c.penny is having a sale so im definitely going to check them out!!i want to decorate in pink!!
have a good week ahead.
im updating a lot arent i?

~You'll always be my best friend, you know too much!"~

do intentions matter?

im one of those people who dont question why people do good things, as long as someone less privileged benefited from their acts of kindness i dont care why they did what they did.

take companies who give checks to charities or donate in some other way to charities to get tax cuts, and people have the guts to criticise them. i dont care that they are only giving because they would get tax cuts, the point is:someone, somewhere benefited from them giving.what have you that is criticising them done?have you ever given to charity or helped someone along the way?
sometimes the answer is yes but still these companies donate millions of dollars to those charities;money that they obviously need.

recently, some random person helped me get through a lot of stuff that i was going through.we weren't close before this incident, he was just some white dude i used to talk to when i felt like it but he helped me with so much stuff and now we are pretty close. when i talked to my friend about this boy recently, he had the guts to say and i quote:'he was only helping you to get close to you'.
ummm...you are my friend right?you are already close to me so why didnt you help me?
i dont care why he did it, the fact is:he did it when you didnt.
as long as he didnt have any bad intentions or meant to hurt me by helping me then i dont care why he did it.

in nigeria, many people especially in the northern part believe that the prayers of a beggar is very strong, so they give a lot to beggars and stuff.
people criticise them a lot for giving just because they want the blessings that they will supposedly get by giving to these beggars.
do you think the beggar cares about the intentions of those who give him money?!
as long as they dont have any evil intentions, why should we care that they are only doing it for the 'blessings'?!

tonight, Lebron made an announcement on espn and he had a 1-hour special and he is donating all the money he made through ads and endorsements to children charities.
now, everyone is calling him narcissistic because he didnt go to team they wanted him to go to(thats a story for another day) but they are forgetting the millions of children that are going to benefit from this special.you can call him narcissistic all you want but bottom line is:he is making a difference.regardless of if he is doing it to make himself look good or if he is doing it to get more endorsements, fact of the matter is:do you think that the children that he is helping with this money cares why he is giving it to them?(he has written numerous checks to charities in the past btw).
a friend of mine had the guts to say that he didnt need to go through all that, that he could have just written them a check from his own personal account.
ummm...let me educate you:according to forbes list, Lebron made about $43m between june of last year and june of this year, according to estimates this special is going to rake in not less than $20m.is it realistic to ask someone to write a $20m check(half of his income) to a charity?that he is what?

lets face it.we are human beings and in as much as we hate to admit it, sometimes we need incentives to do good.in as much as we like to preach and pretend, the fact stil remains that if governments dont offer tax cuts when you donate to charity, 0.75 of these companies wouldnt give a dime!thats human nature.
am i saying its right?no.
but as far as im concerned as long as someone doesnt have evil intentions, the reason why he/she is doing something shouldnt matter as long as someone benefits from it.
and thats what I think!!

favourite fb comment: i wanted to drown all my problems but all those bastards could swim!

i can't sleep so pardon the way this was written, i just had an argument with my friend and just wanted to get this off by chest.
hope you have a good night and a good weekend.ciao.

a child's imaginative lies

i was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and he reminded me of when i told everyone in my set that my family and i lived in a tree and that we could only afford the school fees for a private school because we cleaned our white proprietress' house. i said it so many times that people actually believed me and treated me with such pity and i always got my way until someone saw the house that i lived in.
that made me laugh at how gullible a bunch of 9, 10,12 year olds could be and how gullible people are in general even though we'd all like to think that we can spot a very stupid, unnecessay lie.

i remember in my primary 5, a guy who was in ss1 asked me out.i was 10.i told him i was 15.

in my jss1, i told my introtech teacher that i didnt submit my homework because my mum was terminally ill and was admitted to the hospital.

in ss1, i told my physics teacher that my dog ate my homework.we didnt even have a dog.

in my jss3, i gave my literature teacher a carton of soap and vegetable oil that some random company gave my dad as a gift without my parents' permission so that she'd like me and the stupid woman came to thank my mum when she came to pick me up and my mum who obviously had no idea what the woman was thanking her for played along.i got my ass kicked that night.

i told my dad that the gay romance book i was reading was for a research about the gay community.i was in jss2, who the heck is going to ask a jss2 girl to write a paper on the gay community?!

i used to tell my mum that i had to stay late in school and that i'd follow my best friend home and my best friend would tell her folks the same thing just so that we could bike home.we loved biking home.i mean seriously, the wind on your face is awesome.

everytime a guy asks me out, i always go the 'its not you, its me' route. im always like 'i cant date someone now, i just cant but i really like you' but what im actually saying is 'get a clue, i stopped liking you a month ago and you knew from the first day that i met you that i dont want a boyfriend what made you think you'd change my mind?!'.

my friend paul in my primary one was always insulting me so i told him that my mum is a doctor and that shes a very mean and wicked person and she said that she'd come to his house at night and cut off his lips.needless to say, i got into a lotttttttt of trouble when his parents found out that the reason why their son wasnt sleeping was because i threatened him.

for some reason when i was little, i used to think i was a witch so i used to threaten my sisters and i used to say that i'd suck their blood- i really dont know where that came from but if you had three older sisters like i do, you'd make up something to save your ass from getting kicked.needless to say, they beat the witchcraft out of me.

i once licked a plate clean after eating with it and told my mum that i washed it and she used it to put food for a guest who came to our house that sunday.i felt so bad, my sisters sha thought it was HIGH-larious when i told them.i guess by now you can tell that we didnt like this particular guest.he came every sunday during lunch time to see 'my dad'.yeah right.

my househelp one time couldnt read and this guy wrote her a love letter and she made me read it to her and write a reply to the guy. i didnt like her plus she always made sure i ate my vegetables or she'd tell my mum so i wrote that she was pregnant and in need of a man who can handle the responsiblities of being a father.ofcourse, the guy avoided her like a plague after that.i think she always suspected me cos she treated me so bad after that.

i told my friends in primary school that my dad is a police man.i dont know why i did that, i just felt like saying that he is an engineer was going to be boring.so i said police man.

i once told my friends that we didnt have electricity and that the phone they used to call me was my neighbours' and we watched movies and tv through their window.i dont know why i said that.i just thought it'd be funny.

i loved making up stories when i was little and the most ridiculous thing is that when i actually needed to lie, i'd always tell the truth, like whenever something happened at home, my mum would always ask me cos she always knew i'd tell her the truth.i always had a very ridiculous imaginative mind growing up, i could come up with such colourful stories and convince YOU that it's reality. now, i lead a very boring life.now, i never lie.lies always have a way of catching up with you,so i just never do it.i'd rather not tell you something than lie to you.

okay, this is the part where you tell me a really funny white lie you've told to someone or made someone tell.i'd really love to hear them.

favourite facebook quote:" I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content -Philippians 4:12"

hope you had a fun 4th of july-i got sick but it still turned out great. i was watching episodes of bones and i'm living alone this summer so i got a little paranoid and scared so i spent half the night with my friends.
so today, im grateful that i have friends who don't think its ridiculous that i got a little scared.
have a great week.

before the cell phone....

.....'toasting' was much, much fun.
cheesy lines made the days of 12, 13 and 14 year olds from the 'ill love you till sugar stops being sweet' to 'i stood by the ocean and cried and a tear fell into the ocean and until that drop of tear is found i shall never stop loving you'- wetin you dey do for near ocean in the first place abeg?
the letters telling you how they love you and want you to be their girlfriends..and they expect you to reply immediately telling them yes, no or maybe. of course before they hand you the letter, they show the subtle signs that they like you, pulling out chairs for you, always sticking up for you or copying your notes(i used a lot of boys in my jss days for this) then the letters come.
of course, you first read the letter then proceed to consult all 46 of your friends on whether you should say yes or no, now your answer depends on the class you are in, jss1 girls are still in that self-righteous stage where having a boyfriend is a 'sin' but if your friends have passed that stage, they'll proceed to tell you if they like or dislike him , or if he smells, or if he is a dummy.

you are officially a big girl if an upperclassman asks you out, omG, you become a celebrity over night, you are suddenly deemed worthy of womanhood, but if asked out by an underclassman..uhhh, your status falls like mad! of course, in high schools when we are still pretentious SOBs, we never ask out guys of course, oh sure, you can make out with them but never ask them out. of course, if no boy at all has ever asked you out...that means you are that person who no one likes or everyone thinks is so holy and wears that long skirt and long socks to school.

if you get asked out by an FBI, you are at an all time high, FBI in my school stands for 'fine boys international', these were the very, very, dreamy hot guys whose parents were of course rich and they gave the best girlfriend gifts and girls were always fighting over them and they were all in ss3.
i remember when this girl who was in jss3 when i was in ss2 asked out an FBI guy and the whole school started hating on her cos she did the most random things to try and get the guy, she bought him gifts(which he proceeded to return), hid letters in his bag, the whole school used to mock her and call her 'cheap' and all sorts of names until she couldn't take it anymore and transferred to queen's college. needless to say, we missed her.lol

if you happen to meet them on the street and they proceed to 'pfft' at you to stop and you so happen to stop they have to spit their best lines in order to get you to meet them again. most times the guys you meet through this process are razz and they'd proceed to spit up lines like: 'i want to know your name and your yard' or ' i just spy you from across the way and fell in love'--na so dem dey fall in love?

i miss those days when just a trip to mr. biggs would suffice as a date, when everyone was shy and valentine day was a day to show that you are a big girl and you are well-liked.

i miss those days when no one dumps you over the phone and they come up with really awesome lines to dump you, i dont think i ever heard the whole 'it's not me, it's you line' before, my friend's boyfriend in jss3 actually told her 'i have used you, now i'm dumping you'--->DEAD!!

then the cell phone came out and boys stopped using their brains to come up with lines, why should they when they sold a collection of sms recycled text messages for less that 100naira and parents started becoming suspicious and reading their kids' text messages(i had a parent come to my school to warn a boy off her daughter!!), and girls spent more time fronting and frustrating boys when yes, no or maybe used to be the only three options, then boys had to buy you recharge cards to prove that they actually like you and then letter writing took the back sit and nowadays when you meet guys on the street they proceed to collect your number instead of trying to convince you there and then that they like you.

i remember when an army man stopped me, get this, i was just 15, and he proceeded to spit all his rubbish and then gives me his card, as i turned and started walking home i dropped the card into the nearest dumpster, only to hear the man yell 'hey you!!' to which in response i pulled up my pants and took off!!

i'm a big sucker for technology but i miss my jss1 - jss3 days(i got a phone in my ss1) when i used to get letters and proceed to read them out loud to my sisters who in turn made fun of the boys.

a friend of mine who i went to secondary school with asked me out for the 9th time in 8years last week, like seriously, i keep wandering when this boy will give up, i didnt agree in jss1 what makes him think i'll agree as a junior? this boy has asked me out every year without fail.

i hope you guys are having an awesome week cos i'm not, i had to take a statics and physics test this week and then i have a paper due and an economics test on thursday.sigh.

p.s:i know this post is all over teh place but hopefully, you get the gist and all the things here are based off my school so dont get all personal if thats not how it happened in yours.

fave facebook status:
person on fb: i love him so much because he loves me too
commenter: must have a lot of love in him cos he's spreading it all out nicely to other girls.
me:o_O

yeah, do you guys like my template?im experimenting! :-)

running through my head

i have a crush on a friend of mine who is in an LDR. he's very smart and he makes me laugh. we have an awesome friendship so im not planning on ruining it.



sometimes i have doubts. about the Bible, about many things some people believe i should just believe and never question. i try to be a good person, im very honest, i try very hard not to be rude to people and mind my own business. but still i have doubts. oh, i do believe that there is a God but sometimes, Christians make it so hard for me to believe that He is a merciful God.



i can so relate to that quote up there.



i believe that one of the worst ways to kill a girl with words is to tell her she's ugly so i try hard not to do it.that doesnt mean i dont do it....i just try not to.



i miss home so much. i miss my mum and my dad and my siblings. i miss my house above all. i miss mtn and glo...i miss credit sharing between phones, i miss...a lot of things and people.and food..dont get me started.



sometimes people who claim that they are outspoken are just plain rude, in my opinion.



the dark scares me. cant sleep with the lights off. im in college and i cant sleep with the lights off. i never dream, ever.is that weird?



i've liked and i've crushed. i want someone to love without the pain.



what would i do without my friends? they always fight for me first, then ask questions later in private. friends who fight and expose their dirty laundry in public are very immature.



Japanese boys are unnecessarily hot. me thinks. especially in my school. my friends think im attracted to asians, not really, i just appreciate.



i love tastefully done nude pictures. after reading debaucheries's post on sleeping naked...i feel like a hag.i sleep naked but ive never thought that.awesome piece.
p.s: hers was the first post i ever read on blogville.

this blog<---- inspired this post. she just writes for herself and i miss that. i like blogging but i miss the days when i LOVED it. im going to start blogging for the fun of it again.

fave fb status:It's 11:11pm Babe, make a wish. It’s sort of a custom of ours and I always ask to know what he wishes for and he always never tells me. I had yet another bad day today but I still went,“It’s 11:11 Babe, make a wish.” He took my hand, closed his eyes and then kissed me. I didn’t have to ask.

^^^a friend wrote that about her boyfriend, i thought it was sweet, my friends thought it was cheesy but i still decided to share.

have a great weekend. summer school is killing me.i love my poetry class though, its awesome.cant wait to take creative writing next semester.i always take 19hours in order to take these classes that have nothing to do with my major and doesnt count towards helping me graduate but i still always love these classes.
im taking statics, econs, poetry and physics(my last ohysics, thank God), this summer..its killing me.

have a great night.peace.

8 years ago....

so a friend and i were having a very interesting conversation last night and she asked me:'out of all the boys you've met in your life, if you were asked to choose someone to marry from them, who would you choose?'.
i thought about this for a very long time and i came up with so many suggestions and many 'i definitely know i cant marry that one's and then after reaching an inconclusive answer we laughed and dropped the phone.

10 minutes later...
he calls.
he rarely calls me,
most times i do the texting.
met him 8years ago come september..
first day of class i thought he was cute but never gave him another glance
jss2..
he called me 'stockfish'..
that was to be the first of all the 'stockfishes' that were to come..
he called me that all through high school.
last night we talked about secondary school
and we laughed and we remembered
we talked for 2 and half hours..
he was soo smart...i was smarter
he was sooo shy in high school..
just to make him feel very uncomfortable and get him all flustered up and shy...
i called him sexy..seriously.i did.
i was in ss2...jss3 girls hated me cos they thought there was something between us.
but there wasn't..i just honestly thought he was sexy
ss3..he really became sexy..
and he got a girlfriend too..
i remember telling my bestfriend that i was going to break them up
ha ha ha ha...conceited much?
but we just stayed friends..
he told me about his relationship
and i told him about my lack of one
'i just can't seem to be able to get into one', i said.
'you will when the right person comes around',he said.
he once asked me if i liked his girlfriend
i said:'i dont really know her so i cant say anything'.
what i really wanted to say was: 'i really don't'
end of ss3.
america.
both of us.
his girlfriend:in another country
they are still in an LDR...which i hate
he came to see me here recently with his family
thought:he's still sexy.
we talked for two and half hours yesterday and in the last 15minutes, we talked about his girlfriend..and in those 15minutes, i couldn't wait to get off the phone.
when i did get off the phone.
i texted my friend: if i were to choose a husband from all the boys that ive met in my life...i'd pick *inserts his name here*.
but thats not happening anytime soon, i think.

so yeah, if you were to pick someone you've met in your life already to marry, who would you pick?and if you cant tell me the person's name, can you please tell me five reasons you picked the person?

p.s:i won!!thanks to everyone who voted for me and all those who messaged me telling me congratulations.and congratulations to all the other nominated blogs, you guys are good writers and finally, good job to the organizers. very well done.
thanks once again.thank you.

couldn't find a fave fb status because everyone was talking about the football.lol

sleep well. don't diet.if you want to loose weight...just starve.lol.peace.

the other woman

forgive me father for i have sinned...

i really do love him
despite all the missed holidays, the times stuck at home and the unreturned phone calls
despite the broken promises and the wish that he would just leave her
despite five years of loving him
five years of watching him love her
five years of stolen kisses, sighed conversation, lost memories, uncried tears
uncried tears...i never cry.
the happy memories fill in the cracks of our relationship.
the few happy moments fuel my tide and carry me through
i am the other woman and i watch him love her
twisted with fury but bound inside by love
love?
that ever so pure quality,that ever so gentle quality...
soiled by the acts between the sheets
when he is wrapped all around me and i can feel his breath heave and his heart beat speed up.
his nails tear into my back with passion while his tongue sears mine in rage
in that 10 minutes of raw human passion;
i can pretend
i can pretend that i'm the only one
that when he looks at me, it's actually me he sees
hope...?
it fuels my heart
i spend my time hoping that maybe tonight he will fall in love with me
but i keep hoping that every time we spend together..
he falls a little each time
hopefully.
i stare at him naked in bed as he scrambles for his clothes
he looks at me for a minute as he drops some money on the bed and tells me he loves me
i know what you are thinking...
whore...?
maybe one day i'll get the strength to leave
maybe one day i'd have enough
of watching him love her
maybe one day he'd get tired of watching me, watching him love her
as the society tears me apart
with ridicules and finger pointing..
i walk with my head upright as i march through this life assigned to me
you may not understand,
you may shake your head and judge me
but i still stand and hope he'd love me
it might happened today,
it might happen tomorrow..
might never happen
but i wait...
heart filled with love and rage,
waiting patiently,
i'm the other woman...
don't judge me...
i've done enough judging myself.

hey blogville, long time. i can't say i've been busy cos i haven't.i've just been too lazy to write.
anyway, i used to like a friend of mine who had a girlfriend back in high school, i never acted on it but sometimes, i used to feel like the other woman.thats what inspired this post.
so have you ever liked someone who liked someone else?do share.

p.s:thanks for nominating me for the nigerian bloggers' award..i appreciate it.this might sound cliche but it really is just an honor to be nominated, that's why i haven't campaigned for votes or anything.just thanks for nominating me.love.

fave fb quote: When you kiss, take your time; savor the moment and enjoy the connection..