imperfectly me

i was going to do a thankful post but i'm not really feeling thankful right now.

i've had a very bad semester, all i can think of right now is going home to my parents and just curling up on my dad's bed and crying. since i got to this country, i haven't been able to cry, like seriously, i can only cry while watching a poetry piece and i recently bought the brave new voices DVD and i just ball my eyes out every time i watch that piece.

i don't like my life at all, i've become very resigned.i used to be so full of life, i used to be so much fun, i used to be able to say what was on my mind when i wanted to. i used to be able to call up a friend and just cry, i know i can still do that but my friends are all thrown across america and the world and we are all so busy with college that its so hard. i used to be so smart-well, i still am but its no longer fun.i no longer get that awesome self-fulfilled feeling of pride when i get an A. i'm all burnt out. i had so much plans and dreams for my life that everyday i feel like i'm settling, i know i'm settling. i no longer get the urge to study and i spend my day feeling average.

i don't have friends i trust, infact i can count the friends i can actually talk to without being worried that the whole world will hear what i just told them in confidence and apart from my high school friends i can only mention 1 or 2 nigerians and very few girls. only this guy and my friend Carl(i should write about him, his white ass is like the cutest guy i've ever seen) have kept me going, made me laugh, made me thanksgiving dinner.

i've kinda been avoiding this blog cos nowadays when i get angry, i no longer come on here, i just write poems...yeah, i love my creative writing class, its a ray of sunshine in a very cloudy engineering major's life.

i know people say no man can live like an island, but i think i'm the exception. i'm not the friendliest of persons.i don't do it intentionally.people meet me for the first time and automatically decide that i'm snobby...i'm just reserved when i meet people the first few times.

i normally just stay in my room and turn off the outside world, i dont like drama in my life, i really don't. i'm not confrontational, at all, i usually just ignore people or simply cut you out of my life. that part i'm incredibly good at, it surprises me at the ease i can stop talking to someone who was supposedly an old good friend of mine.

one of my friends who i no longer talk to, i have him on twitter and on facebook, he is muted and hidden respectively in both of those networks. we used to be the best of friends in high school, we would talk to each other for hours, our mothers met because of us and realised that they apparently knew each other from high school.i always listen to his troubles and i've always been there for him.i remember when his dad died, he told me he couldn't close his eyes to go to sleep cos he was scared that he was going to die too, i stayed up with him night after night on school nights and talked to him, joked with him, just to keep his mind off his dad's death.i listened to him talk about the countless girls that he liked and i swear there was a new one every week and i sucked it up and listened. i dont think there was anything that he did not tell me, i knew every damn thing about him, i could blackmail him but thats the trouble, he never listened to anything i had to say.he always told me i was being childish everytime i tried to talk to him about MY problems and then i got tired of having a one sided friendship. when we both came to the US for college, i just kinda cut him off cos i just got tired of being told that i was being childish and there was a time we had a misunderstanding and he called me a liar, you can call me a lot of things, just dont call me a liar. there and then, i just let go of that friendship, it stopped being healthy to me.

i'm imperfect.i will never be perfect. if you cant love me when i'm totally flawed and at my absolute worse then i really dont need you hanging around me. i need friends i can trust.i need to surround myself with people i care about and care about me. i'd rather be totally lonely and without friends than settle and lower my standards. that being said, i do have awesome friends..just not many.

i still am incredibly thankful for God, for family, for awesome if few friends, for life, for love, for all good things that i've been blessed with this year. wow, look at that, and i thought i didnt have anything to be thankful for. i'm thankful God, i'm really thankful.

leggy