Friday, November 26, 2010

imperfectly me

i was going to do a thankful post but i'm not really feeling thankful right now.
i've had a very bad semester, all i can think of right now is going home to my parents and just curling up on my dad's bed and crying. since i got to this country, i haven't been able to cry, like seriously, i can only cry while watching a poetry piece and i recently bought the brave new voices DVD and i just ball my eyes out every time i watch that piece.

i don't like my life at all, i've become very resigned.i used to be so full of life, i used to be so much fun, i used to be able to say what was on my mind when i wanted to. i used to be able to call up a friend and just cry, i know i can still do that but my friends are all thrown across america and the world and we are all so busy with college that its so hard. i used to be so smart-well, i still am but its no longer fun.i no longer get that awesome self-fulfilled feeling of pride when i get an A. i'm all burnt out. i had so much plans and dreams for my life that everyday i feel like i'm settling, i know i'm settling. i no longer get the urge to study and i spend my day feeling average.

i don't have friends i trust, infact i can count the friends i can actually talk to without being worried that the whole world will hear what i just told them in confidence and apart from my high school friends i can only mention 1 or 2 nigerians and very few girls. only this guy and my friend Carl(i should write about him, his white ass is like the cutest guy i've ever seen) have kept me going, made me laugh, made me thanksgiving dinner.
i've kinda been avoiding this blog cos nowadays when i get angry, i no longer come on here, i just write poems...yeah, i love my creative writing class, its a ray of sunshine in a very cloudy engineering major's life.

i know people say no man can live like an island, but i think i'm the exception. i'm not the friendliest of persons.i don't do it intentionally.people meet me for the first time and automatically decide that i'm snobby...i'm just reserved when i meet people the first few times.

i normally just stay in my room and turn off the outside world, i dont like drama in my life, i really don't. i'm not confrontational, at all, i usually just ignore people or simply cut you out of my life. that part i'm incredibly good at, it surprises me at the ease i can stop talking to someone who was supposedly an old good friend of mine.

one of my friends who i no longer talk to, i have him on twitter and on facebook, he is muted and hidden respectively in both of those networks. we used to be the best of friends in high school, we would talk to each other for hours, our mothers met because of us and realised that they apparently knew each other from high school.i always listen to his troubles and i've always been there for him.i remember when his dad died, he told me he couldn't close his eyes to go to sleep cos he was scared that he was going to die too, i stayed up with him night after night on school nights and talked to him, joked with him, just to keep his mind off his dad's death.i listened to him talk about the countless girls that he liked and i swear there was a new one every week and i sucked it up and listened. i dont think there was anything that he did not tell me, i knew every damn thing about him, i could blackmail him but thats the trouble, he never listened to anything i had to say.he always told me i was being childish everytime i tried to talk to him about MY problems and then i got tired of having a one sided friendship. when we both came to the US for college, i just kinda cut him off cos i just got tired of being told that i was being childish and there was a time we had a misunderstanding and he called me a liar, you can call me a lot of things, just dont call me a liar. there and then, i just let go of that friendship, it stopped being healthy to me.

i'm imperfect.i will never be perfect. if you cant love me when i'm totally flawed and at my absolute worse then i really dont need you hanging around me. i need friends i can trust.i need to surround myself with people i care about and care about me. i'd rather be totally lonely and without friends than settle and lower my standards. that being said, i do have awesome friends..just not many.

i still am incredibly thankful for God, for family, for awesome if few friends, for life, for love, for all good things that i've been blessed with this year. wow, look at that, and i thought i didnt have anything to be thankful for. i'm thankful God, i'm really thankful.



Omolola Paul-Olaleye said...

..hmm one sided friendship..never worth it..nice post btw. :)

~Sirius~ said...

We have A LOT in common.

As "resigned" as you think you are, there're a lot of people who wish they could be you...

aDa said...

wow!! i feel like yu jst wrote abt nobody is ever going to understand me the way i want them i cnt trust a soul,i evnen hv dt mediocre i can do better but im jst inspired to.esp wth schl n stuff. love the way yu write, thumbs up.n knw tht yu always hv smthng to be thnkful for....

F and M said...

You are definitely not the only one going through this... Especially having left Naija there has been that disconnect- friends scattered all over the place, old friends growing apart and being unable to make such good friends in your "new" surroundings... A few rays of hope here and there- one good person you can talk to here, one good old friend there- but you feel like there's noone you can really open up to anymore... It sucks.

authorsoundsbetterthanwriter said...

Ayah, I think a part of this is because it's the end of term. You'll feel better once you go on holiday and see family.

And being disconnected from your old friends can sometimes be good. You discover sides to yourself that you never knew were there, because when you're around the same people, sometimes you settle into a personality rut. I never knew I could be introspective until I came to jand and didn't have so many of my friends around me. So cheer up :)

Blessing said...

Awww...I know how u's annoying and it hurts, when ppl grow times I wonder y we bother making friends...eventually things will change but than again not everyone is meant to be in ur life 4eva

Azazel said...

Lol we are so alike leggy legs mehn..
But honestly hun, no man or woman can be an island..
if u don't find somebody to trust, u will live or always live a tormented life.

Nigerian Drama Queen said...

Here's something I suggest:

Get a journal, and everyday write one thing your grateful for. Do not allow yourself to write anything negative in it. You'll be surprised at how much of a difference a gratitude journal can make!

The past one month has been hell for me. I decided to do 30 days of gratitude. It really helped me keep my head above water.

Nigerian Drama Queen said...

*you're grateful for*

Vanity said...

For once i can say listen to azazel and we're currently in the same place friendship wise but i feel i've been in this placer for awhile so i know how to deal. xox

dosh said...

I love this post especially cos at the end you still found something to be grateful for. In the end, there's always something to be grateful for. Bless your heart.

kitkat said...

nice post, really really good.. i can definitely relate to ur stowie :)

2cute4u said...

All through my school days I gave out that vibe of people believing I'm a snob..
Whether true or not, I don't know..
More often than not, I love my company and there's nothing wrong with that.
When it comes to friendship, better the few you can trust than the many you can't..
It isn't everyday you'd feel dandy but, you'd be fine dear..
In all I'm glad you have so much to be thankful for..

AlooFar said...

Happy New Year.

black panther said...

where are you?

happy new year.
keep your head up, as 2Pac sang it.

sweetness said...

No one is perfect :)
Being thankful is a perfect way to start the New year. Have a good one
Hardly see u on my TL these days.... Tkcr x