Monday, June 25, 2012

why have you never had a boyfriend?

- i'm a horrible person, can't you tell by reading my blog? i'm just a horrible, horrible bitch.

- i'm ugly. dude, i'm an egg on twitter, i've been on twitter for almost two years and i'm still an egg. obviously, i'm ugly. nobody wants me man.

- everyone knows relationships are for losers. come on, what sane person is actually in a relationship? they're for really creepy, clingy people.

- everyone knows relationships are like the world cup. you can only indulge in it once every four years. i've missed my window every 4 years. i have to wait till 2015 to be eligible to contest again.

- i'm too thin for nigerian men. i don't have boobs, ass, hips. come on, are you just asking me this to make me feel bad about my body?! i already said i was ugly, now you want me to admit that my body is like a stick too?!

- there are too many applications for this position. i'm lazy, i just can't be bothered to go through all of it. in fact, i need a personal assistant to clear this shit out. the applications for this position is overwhelming!! overwhelming i tell you!!!

- i'm too picky. what am i going to do with a hot guy with no money?! or an ugly guy with all the money?! i want it all man, i want it all!!!

- i'm too hot. men literally die from the thought of being with me. this beauty is a blessing and a curse man. y'all don't know how hard it is to be this pretty and attractive. you don't know. you don't know my life!! you don't know how hard this life of beauty is!! you just don't know!!!

- everyone poops - why would i want to be stuck with someone who poops? like this right here literally writes itself.

- i'm igbo, i just haven't met someone with enough money.

- my eggs are in such high demand, i figure i should preserve it and sell it to the highest bidder.

- i'm shallow, why do you comb your hair from back to front?! why?! how can i introduce you to my family if you comb your hair from back to front? how?!

- no one deserves me. the amazingness that is me is too amazing to be discussed.


Sunday, June 17, 2012

how to be single.

Meet a man. Talk to him at a party. watch him switch between spanish, french, and english. have a conversation about your country with him. stare at him wistfully as you announce that you're leaving. watch him not ask for your number. go home. stalk him on facebook. receive a friend request from him. let him tell you how he forgot to ask for your number. be secretly happy but don't mention it. make him wait. tell him you don't need more friends. agree to meet for drinks. remind him that you're not 21. make him sneak you into a 21 and older bar. argue with him about your country some more. let him tell you about his. tell him that he's the first american you've met that's trilingual. say 'trousers' and 'lift'. giggle as he makes fun of your accent. let him drop you home. talk to him everyday. let him introduce you to his friends. listen to them ask you if you're an 'african princess'. giggle. say no. giggle some more. spend a weekend out of town with him and his friends. let them badger you into drinking. have one drink. don't have more. go see 'The Black Keys' with him. don't wear sunscreen. dance till the clubs close the next morning. crash. wake up. do it all over again. let him make fun of your celibacy. giggle. let him send you pictures of ridiculous things. let him make you laugh. start liking him. go to poetry cafes with him. let him make you lunch. puke up your lunch. watch him look offended. watch him try to hide it. assure him that you have a low gag reflex. say 'it's not your food, it's me'. refuse to cook for him. let him call you sexy casually one day. smile. meet more of his friends. go have breakfast for dinner with him. hate his dog. no. be scared of his dog. make him hide it when you come. know that this is strike one against you. listen to his dreams. study with him. laugh too hard. like him more. giggle some more. go swimming with him. let him comment on your legs. smile coyly. let him offer you swimming lessons. have more breakfasts with him...for dinner. let him comment on how much you read.  let his friends call you 'the pretty nigerian'. be smug. love his friends more. like him even more. let him apply for his dream job. pray that he gets it even though you know he wont. he gets an interview. now, pray that he doesn't get it. he gets it. he graduates. remember his race. remember your parents won't like this. let him ask for an LDR. decline. enjoy the last couple of days you have. go back to the club he sneaked you into for the last time with him. spend a couple of days with him. watch him leave. let him call you. ignore.