Sunday, March 4, 2012

not good enough


so i'm taking a break from the books to actually made a personal entry. this weekend i've been thinking a lot about my life and being single and the future and i've only been thinking about this because i had lunch with a couple of friends this past saturday and we were talking for a bit and they were talking about people who loved being single and 'choosy people' and my name kept rolling off their tongue so easily and i was right there.
whenever one of my friends christina asks me for advise on something relating to a boy and i tell her what I think, she always goes 'i wish i can be more like you, you don't need anybody', i used to take that as a compliment, i like that people saw me as independent but lately, it''s been bugging me a lot because...i don't know. i'm terribly afraid of being cheated on, i think that's one of the reasons that i've never really been in a relationship, to be honest. i can't imagine how people deal with being cheated on, i'd be devastated, i'd feel not good enough. if i was good enough you wouldn't need another and there is nothing i hate more than not being good enough and i think my ego more than anything else would be hurt.
last year, i almost dated a guy who i didn't find the least bit attractive just because he was a nice guy, not one of those self proclaimed nice guys who are secretly assholes. he was nice, we used to talk a lot and he was always there for me, he asked me out a couple of times and i said i just wanted to be friends and the last time he asked me out i almost said yes, cos i just knew he was one of those guys who would never cheat on me. i was going to date him specifically because i didn't want to be cheated on, that's when i realised it wasn't fair to him and i'd get resentful if i ever get into such a relationship.
i've never been in love, never met a guy i couldn't do without, oh i've liked people. my friends tell me that relationships are like jobs, i need to get into one for the experience, the first one doesn't have to be the love of my life. fact is, i need someone i can talk to, be friends with, laugh with, i need someone who'd get my sense of humor, love or at least tolerate my love for adult cartoons and moulin rouge. the last guy i talked to, we talked for a couple of months and i knew nothing about him, nothing, he never had anything to tell me apart from how much he liked me, it was flattering at first but after a while, it got annoying and irritating plus i knew he didn't know me at all. if you don't know me, i really don't know what about me that you supposedly like.
He doesn't know that i can't remember the last time i cried, that i write poetry, that i'm a creative writing minor, even twitter knows these little things about me and i'm an egg on there. i'd like someone to know the little things about me and be friends with me.
so yeah, i'm not 'picky' or 'choosy' as my friends said, i just haven't found what i'm looking for.


hope your weekend were great cos mine was crappy. read a couple of books that i'm going to review later this week. you can check out all my reviews and recommend more books.

love,
leggy.

12 comments:

TrueOrFalse said...

Honestly, I feel the same way sometimes and I think it's ok. It used to bother me that I didn't really want to date anyone around me (not necessarily because I was afraid of being cheated on, but just because I've not yet met a guy the really knows me). I admit, it's tempting to just date someone because he's a good person, but eventually I'd get bored and feel guilty for it. But it's alright not to settle for what's available. The right guy will eventually come along.

la~pimpette said...

You're right on every count. I feel the same way. I did get into one relationship cuz he kept saying he loved me bla bla. It turned out terrible... It's good to wait to find what you're looking for than to settle for something because it's convenient.

Oh and I took a creative writing class this term - Intense!

black panther said...

feels like i'm the one who wrote this entry.

Myne Whitman said...

I could have written this a few years ago. It bugs me sometimes to meet adults who don't really think, they're not critical, of themselves or anything. They just live - breathe, eat, talk superficial issues, and of course, want to have sex. IMO they can't they get to know someone else because they don't even know themselves. So how can you know them?

Summer said...

i soooo know the feeling, however on my side, i purposely quit the dating game, too much drama. but we're ok

Shanahfication said...

Your needs totally mirror my own. Took the words off my soul.

cee said...

Its nice to know other people are going through the same thing as I am {{big hug}} . I've made up my mind not to settle for less (irrespective of what my friends say).

Mwajim Al said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mwajim Al said...

You deserve what you know your worth is, so don't settle for less. And although I will say everyone has the fear of being cheated on, the truth is you can never tell who will cheat on you, it could happen to anyone. But if it does, don't you ever for a second think you weren't good enough. You are more than enough. Let the person who erred carry the shame, not you, never you.

Unknown said...

Don't rush into relationship just be labelled as "single". Doing so is just an utter foolishness. Instead, be optimistic that when the time comes, you too will find Mr. Right.


zimmer hip recall lawyers

O.U.I VILLA! said...

To be honest, relationships scare me. I'm the odd ball amongst my peers cos they're all in and out of relationships and i'm just there. I met a girl who really liked me and i decided to give it a go and be in a relationship. Worst decision i ever made. Hated it and hurt her unnecessarily.

Ironically i met a girl i really liked for the first time and things are... Well, let's just say i'm bleeding inside. Oh i guess i'm just going to blog about this. Take care leggy.

9ja-dejavu.blogspot.com

Tisha said...

I want to fall in-love this year...