Sunday, March 4, 2012
not good enough
so i'm taking a break from the books to actually made a personal entry. this weekend i've been thinking a lot about my life and being single and the future and i've only been thinking about this because i had lunch with a couple of friends this past saturday and we were talking for a bit and they were talking about people who loved being single and 'choosy people' and my name kept rolling off their tongue so easily and i was right there.
whenever one of my friends christina asks me for advise on something relating to a boy and i tell her what I think, she always goes 'i wish i can be more like you, you don't need anybody', i used to take that as a compliment, i like that people saw me as independent but lately, it''s been bugging me a lot because...i don't know. i'm terribly afraid of being cheated on, i think that's one of the reasons that i've never really been in a relationship, to be honest. i can't imagine how people deal with being cheated on, i'd be devastated, i'd feel not good enough. if i was good enough you wouldn't need another and there is nothing i hate more than not being good enough and i think my ego more than anything else would be hurt.
last year, i almost dated a guy who i didn't find the least bit attractive just because he was a nice guy, not one of those self proclaimed nice guys who are secretly assholes. he was nice, we used to talk a lot and he was always there for me, he asked me out a couple of times and i said i just wanted to be friends and the last time he asked me out i almost said yes, cos i just knew he was one of those guys who would never cheat on me. i was going to date him specifically because i didn't want to be cheated on, that's when i realised it wasn't fair to him and i'd get resentful if i ever get into such a relationship.
i've never been in love, never met a guy i couldn't do without, oh i've liked people. my friends tell me that relationships are like jobs, i need to get into one for the experience, the first one doesn't have to be the love of my life. fact is, i need someone i can talk to, be friends with, laugh with, i need someone who'd get my sense of humor, love or at least tolerate my love for adult cartoons and moulin rouge. the last guy i talked to, we talked for a couple of months and i knew nothing about him, nothing, he never had anything to tell me apart from how much he liked me, it was flattering at first but after a while, it got annoying and irritating plus i knew he didn't know me at all. if you don't know me, i really don't know what about me that you supposedly like.
He doesn't know that i can't remember the last time i cried, that i write poetry, that i'm a creative writing minor, even twitter knows these little things about me and i'm an egg on there. i'd like someone to know the little things about me and be friends with me.
so yeah, i'm not 'picky' or 'choosy' as my friends said, i just haven't found what i'm looking for.
hope your weekend were great cos mine was crappy. read a couple of books that i'm going to review later this week. you can check out all my reviews and recommend more books.