Sunday, April 5, 2015

I'm not here to talk you off that ledge

on days when life is especially hard
and living isn't cutting it anymore
on days when you stand waiting for the subway,
and have the sudden urge to jump.
on days when you find your ledge and decide to take the plunge
i do not intend to talk you off the edge
you have such beautiful long legs
made for jumping into things that were never going to last anyway.

i understand that you have waited endlessly for tomorrows
but there are so many people waiting
against all logic for tomorrow to bring us something the yesterdays forgot
and we are all waiting
and i understand that you're tired of waiting
and you're so tired of just being

And you just want tomorrow to bring you the strength to get out of bed.
To brush your teeth,
Call your mum,
Be able to say you went grocery shopping.
That you talked to people today
That your brain is behaving itself today.
That the demons didn't come this time
And you don't really feel the tears coming down anymore cos you're so used to it.
And life doesn't let you get up before knocking you down again.

I can write a line or two to convince a lover to stay
I have laid on white sheets
And let the sun find me between yellow arms because I needed to tear metaphors out of the skin of a five year-long one night stand
But I cannot figure out how to ask you to stay.
because i understand that the sadness has refused to leave,
but there are too many ledges with too many beautiful views for you to choose this one you're standing on right now.
so call your mum and let her voice guilt you into staying another day.
and then another
call your lover and let him tell you how his day went
walk to the coffee shop with him and stare at the way his fingers simultaneously kiss his lips and the pages of that book he insists on telling you about.
call your friend and let her tell you about that boy you hate but she won't stop loving
talk to yourself and try to find reasons for you to stay-
you never really read "The Alchemist" and you've been pretending for so many years;
you've never had an orgasm;
Coronas exist;
i never want to be one of those people telling you to "choose happiness"
i've always thought that was ridiculous
because if we could all just "choose happiness" wouldn't we all?
and i cannot promise you that it'll get better.
we're all entirely waiting for better.
And i'm really not here to talk you off the edge
because i know first hand how eroding this darkness can be
but when the demons return,
please, 
please,
set them on fire.


love,
leggy








4 comments:

Sugabelly said...

Sigh, this was so beautiful and so sad, because this is, and has been my life. It's funny because I've made all this progress and on the surface my life supposedly got better, but I don't even know what I'm doing here, and most days I just long to disappear and the only thing holding me back is guilt about the pain I might cause my family.

I hope you're okay and happy and well. I moved back to America, to DC to be exact. I've been here a year and still feel so alone.

KO said...

I can connect to this on so many different levels. Dark and comforting words, still feeling the after taste after reading it twice.

Duru Adolphus Jnr. said...

Turn uP! Turn uP! ladies and Gentlemen... i found ya... lemme just say that i am a DoromegaBig fan of your writing... as in a day 1 nigga kinda fan... mbok i am an Airconditioner and Hair drier and join. Sef... Can i get an Autograph comment on my blog?! Pretty please... i kmow you dunno me, but your blog was one of the very first that had me go Dayuuuunnnmmm she funny and smart...

You know yeah bubba, in my 23 years 4 months and 23 days young and utterly growingly confused head, i can relate to this post... many of us are waiting for tomorrow to be haapy... many of us are waiting for a certain someboRRies :) to come and mini mini wana wana our boRRy to be happy... but the kicker kweshion is how are we sure that the Tomorrow will come?! How are we sure that today will not be all that we kuku come and go and get?! So life teaching me Baby mi to kick of my shoes and choose to be happy, to live in this very moment, in the now... to Dance like no one is watching kukuma, cause in all sincerity yeah Bubba, we dunno how long we have got.... and the crowd goes Yyyyeeeeahhh Mehn....

Ooooosssshhheeeyyyy Turn uP! Bubba, i am a big fan of ya writing... your blog has been on my ghen ghen list for the past 20 months... i aint leRRin you go this time....I must to use ya confusion to sharpen my confusion... **Wears Mr. Nigeria cheeky smile. Ooooooooossshhheey... oya eFFeryboRRy ice...

Damilola Fasetire said...

This piece is simply awesome and come to think of it, this is the first time I have ever read a post word for word. Kudos to you...