Friday, September 30, 2016
I've been grappling with what i want to say in this post.
every year i ask the current year to be kinder to me than the previous year was
i think each year is competing with the last to be my worst year yet.
my twenties have been ridiculously tough.
there were times during my 24th year that i didn't think i was going to survive my 24th.
but i did it, didn't i?
it definitely didn't make me stronger; i think that saying is bullshit but i'm still here am i not?
i survived. i crossed over. i'm here at 25, alive, keeping the demons at bay.
I'm still struggling with christianity. i honestly think to be a very good christian you have to find a way to keep the doubts away but i am not succeeding.
i'm trying to still keep it all together because i literally cannot afford to be an atheist. i really can't. because even on my worst days of not believing, i still need the comfort that there is someone higher than me, who is all knowing and all seeing who loves me and will see me through.
I've been writing this blog for 8 years now.
it's so refreshing to read through it and see how much i've evolved, how much my opinions on so many things have changed, how much i've grown. i think that's really the best part of blogs, to see how far you've come.
while reading through, i noticed how many of my new year or birthday posts talked about trying to be a better person. ha. i can tell you definitively that i have not succeeded on that front. i wish i could be that girl with the sunny personality, running around in the gardens, wearing flower crowns, getting told that my aura is peaceful and being all peace and love (barf) but i'm just not that girl. i can't even be friends with people like this and when i meet them on the internets i just think and have such strong convictions that they're faking.
but as the great Desus and Kid Mero would say - I believe God is still working on me, beloved.
here's to 25,
be kinder to me than 24 was.
i really, really need you to be.