Friday, July 20, 2012
how to love someone who doesn't love you back
You will meet him at a meeting. you will like all of him - all tough hair and coloured contacts. He is going to be an asshole or a jerk or just confident, you'll spend your time trying to figure out which. He will see it fit to gift you with little acts of kindness that keep you thinking that he may someday be able to love you back. On days when he is being a jerk, you will see yourself through his eyes - all skin and bones and words that never leave your lips. You will stay because he makes everyday a mystery, everyday is a day filled with the possibility of being loved. You will play unrequited love songs over and over again till your itunes feels your pains and your shuffle understands your mood. You will listen to Frank Ocean's 'thinking about you' over and over again because only Frank gets you.
You will enjoy being in the passenger's seat while his iphone shuffles music into the thick air between you. There is a certain closeness that listening to music that he deemed fit to put on his phone brings. your ears given privileges to peek a little into stages in his life when he stayed awake listening to that same song. You will wish that you were going somewhere farther. You will wish that you weren't one of 4 people in the car. You will fall in love between drunk conversations and sounds of puke hitting the concrete outside the club. You will be grateful for fleeting, barely audible touches on skin, on places the sun cannot see. You will be grateful for whatever you get and you should. Remind yourself frequently that he doesn't have to do this. Again, he is doing you a favour.
You will fall in love inside tents under dark skies and air filled with yesterday's sweat and unbrushed teeth. You will hold nights like these tightly, spend nights talking to him about a God he isn't sure he believes in anymore, you're going to fall more for the lost boy who doesn't see it fit to trust his life and fate into the lives of a Creator. You hope one day you will stop calling him so much, stop waiting hours for his text message, get used to the unanswered text messages. Loving someone who doesn't love you back is an art, you have to practice often to become perfect. You have to maximise every time he deems fit to spare you. Remember, you're lucky he could spend time with you tonight.
Fall in love with someone who won't/can't/doesn't love you back at least once in your life, it gives you perspective. In here lies a certain kind of immortality.