Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Finding God.

I'm trying to be a better christian. I'm trying to believe again, i'm trying to rebuild my faith again. i'm trying to find God in the little things in life. i'm trying to build a personal relationship with him again. Maybe try church again. Maybe be happy. Maybe have peace of mind.
I really don't know when i lost Him. I just stopped believing. I just had too many doubts. I'm trying to find him again. I'm not just trying to be a christian. i want to be a better person. i want to be kinder, i want to be happier. Happy. I don't remember the last time i was happy. ss2 maybe? I don't know. I just want to be happy. Peace of mind. It is comforting believing in something bigger than you, believing that someone out there is watching over you, isn't it? I'm just torn with christianity because there is so much i'd like to not believe that this God who is ever so loving is capable of.
Like all good, amazing people who happen to be muslim or any other religion are going to hell? i can't even wrap my head around that. Can't reconcile this merciful God with that.
I downloaded the bible on my iphone, i am going to start reading it again from Mark (God manifested as a man), Hosea (God's disposition towards his people), Acts (the formation of the early church), Songs of Solomon (God as a romantic), Ephesians and galatians( christian principles) and then everything in between. I got this list from the tumblr of one of my favourite poets - Alysia Harris. She's a Christian who fasts during ramadan. lol. I love her.
So i'm going to be reading 10 verses compulsory every morning and night and more if I so please. Hopefully, i see this through.

I got an email this morning from my poetry teacher from last year, she wanted to know if i'd kept up with my writing. I love writing, i really do and when i'm in a writing class (i'm an English minor with a creative writing discipline), i write these beautiful pieces because i have to write them but once that term finishes and i'm stuck with just my engineering and chemistry classes i don't write anything. She wants me to do the 30 day poetry challenge where I write one poem a day at the end of the next 30 days and she wants me to send them to her so that she can hold me to my word. I'm really excited about doing this and i feel amazing that she thought i was good enough to look up and encourage me to keep writing. so, i'm going to be doing that too.

i'm also going to start journaling. I don't know. i think you get a perspective on things if you write them down and read them back to yourself.

i want to stop avoiding things in my life. when i have a problem with someone, i avoid them like my life depends on it, i just don't do confrontation. i never even talk it over with the person, i just cut them out of my life. it scares me how fast i can do that, just wake up and decide to cut someone out of my life. it's scary and i want to start facing my problems head on.
i get triggered by somethings. the news for example, i haven't watched or read the news purposefully since 2009, i deleted facebook to avoid political comments from people, i've moved to avoid hateful people in my life. At some point, we all have to stop running, i guess.

I've decided to start making To-Do Lists. i've realised that when i have a list telling me to do something, i achieve more that day. now, i'm just actually lazy to write the darn To-Do lists these days.

i'm determined to become a better person and hopefully, a little happier. In fact, i'll take content any day over what i am right now.

One day at a time.

'the only darkness we should allow into our lives is the night, and even then, we have the moon.' - warsan shire



TecknicoleurGrl said...

Good luck. I hope you do all the things you plan to. And to-do lists are awesome.

Tisha Smith said...

I am happy for you
Everything that will ever satisfy you in this life is in God
seek Him

Nutty J. said...

A lot of things you want to start doing...and a lot also you want to stop doing.

It's good...may the Lord give you the grace to do them all.

DesperateNaijaWoman said...

One day at a time Leggy..I was personally getting dizzy on your behalf reading ALL that you want to start doing. I always to try to 'ask' myself 'which of these is linked to who I want to be or what I want to do with my life. And no matter what the answers to those two questions might be, FINDING and staying connected to God is the 'stool' on which we must stand to be it, get it, do it. You see? So you are spot on and I pray you stick with that one thing over and above all the others......I really do. Was nice to come by here.......I like to read people being real.....

Myne Whitman said...

I also think you write really well. All the best in everything. I don't talk about God much, but my faith in Him is the fulcrum of all I am. And really it's not about church, but about you, the person you are, to Him, to yourself, and to others.

Joy Kaunda said...