Wednesday, August 22, 2012
I'm trying to be a better christian. I'm trying to believe again, i'm trying to rebuild my faith again. i'm trying to find God in the little things in life. i'm trying to build a personal relationship with him again. Maybe try church again. Maybe be happy. Maybe have peace of mind.
I really don't know when i lost Him. I just stopped believing. I just had too many doubts. I'm trying to find him again. I'm not just trying to be a christian. i want to be a better person. i want to be kinder, i want to be happier. Happy. I don't remember the last time i was happy. ss2 maybe? I don't know. I just want to be happy. Peace of mind. It is comforting believing in something bigger than you, believing that someone out there is watching over you, isn't it? I'm just torn with christianity because there is so much i'd like to not believe that this God who is ever so loving is capable of.
Like all good, amazing people who happen to be muslim or any other religion are going to hell? i can't even wrap my head around that. Can't reconcile this merciful God with that.
I downloaded the bible on my iphone, i am going to start reading it again from Mark (God manifested as a man), Hosea (God's disposition towards his people), Acts (the formation of the early church), Songs of Solomon (God as a romantic), Ephesians and galatians( christian principles) and then everything in between. I got this list from the tumblr of one of my favourite poets - Alysia Harris. She's a Christian who fasts during ramadan. lol. I love her.
So i'm going to be reading 10 verses compulsory every morning and night and more if I so please. Hopefully, i see this through.
I got an email this morning from my poetry teacher from last year, she wanted to know if i'd kept up with my writing. I love writing, i really do and when i'm in a writing class (i'm an English minor with a creative writing discipline), i write these beautiful pieces because i have to write them but once that term finishes and i'm stuck with just my engineering and chemistry classes i don't write anything. She wants me to do the 30 day poetry challenge where I write one poem a day at the end of the next 30 days and she wants me to send them to her so that she can hold me to my word. I'm really excited about doing this and i feel amazing that she thought i was good enough to look up and encourage me to keep writing. so, i'm going to be doing that too.
i'm also going to start journaling. I don't know. i think you get a perspective on things if you write them down and read them back to yourself.
i want to stop avoiding things in my life. when i have a problem with someone, i avoid them like my life depends on it, i just don't do confrontation. i never even talk it over with the person, i just cut them out of my life. it scares me how fast i can do that, just wake up and decide to cut someone out of my life. it's scary and i want to start facing my problems head on.
i get triggered by somethings. the news for example, i haven't watched or read the news purposefully since 2009, i deleted facebook to avoid political comments from people, i've moved to avoid hateful people in my life. At some point, we all have to stop running, i guess.
I've decided to start making To-Do Lists. i've realised that when i have a list telling me to do something, i achieve more that day. now, i'm just actually lazy to write the darn To-Do lists these days.
i'm determined to become a better person and hopefully, a little happier. In fact, i'll take content any day over what i am right now.
One day at a time.
'the only darkness we should allow into our lives is the night, and even then, we have the moon.' - warsan shire