i loved him

for some reason ive been in a very good mood all day.
so i watched gossip girl today, i love that show, i especially love chuck and blair they are my favourite characters on that show and i even have their picture as my desktop background.
watching this episode of gossip girl reminded me of my friend 10.
10 is the best guy friend ive ever known. he is the one person im missing at home, he is that one person in your life that you know you could never forget.
10 used to be there for me at all times, at all points in my life, whether i was right or wrong, i used to cry to him, i used to laugh with him. i totally loved him. i wasnt in love with him, i just loved him.
he is one of those friends you never forget, and his smile just made you want to smile with him, his smile caused the sun to peek out of the sun cos trust me his smile will steal the sun's job hands down without even applying for it. he is tall, taller than i am and he used to place his hands on my head and tell me how short i am...and im pretty tall.

he lived quite close to my house and we used to chat all night, he was in my class and everytime he'd load credit, he'd send me half of it(you guys know you can share loaded credit in nigeria right?). we used to text all night, i could never go to sleep without a text from 10, we would talk sometimes till the next day. we'd also talk on phone, he'd come to my house. we were really really close.
i could tell 10 everything.i remember when i was sick in nigeria and i missed school for so many days, i was so mad that he didnt come to see me, i was in such a bad mood that when he finally came two days later, i asked him what he would have done if i had died before he came to see me...and he said...' i could hear your heart beat all the way from my house, if you died, dont you think i would feel it?'.
now, this is sounding like we had something between us,nope. we were just friends. were there sexual tension?yes!!but you had to know the kind of person 10 was in the first place.
he was the class joker, the guy everyone loved, the one who always asked that stupid question in class just to make the teacher angry, that smart one who looks totally clueless, he was our senior prefect in our set and he was the neatest guy ive ever seen till date. ive never seen or met any other boy since i left secondary school who could be as neat as that boy, no matter how long we stayed in school or how long he ran on the school field with his uniform on, he'd still come out with his canvas still so white and still smelling so good!!
10 was the greatest boy, ever!!

and lots of my friends used to speculate about us and i used to deny it a lot and say there was nothing between us and there really wasnt but whenever people said anything to him, he'd just look at me and laugh..he never responded.
i remember a time in our jss3 when this girl slapped him cos he made a joke about her and the whole class laughed, when the girl slapped him , he turned looked at the girl for a minute, laughed and said..'you are so lucky you're a girl'.
10 was full of life, he was nice, he was that person who never said a bad word about anybody, and that was what i absolutely loved about him, he was a genuinely nice person.to tell you the truth 10 was and still is the nicest boy ive ever met, he never made jokes at your expense, he'd stand up for me no matter what happened.
what i loved most about him?10 is the most naive guy ive ever met, naive in every sense of the word!!

he'd know what was on my mind just like that and even before i'd say something he'd say..'dont say that!!' and i'd be like..'i havent even said anything' and he'd be like..'you were thinking it'.lol

i remember telling him that i was going to travel abroad for my college degree and i remember talking to him on phone and i started missing him even then.and i never saw him, we'd just speak on the phone and talk about everything i was going to do and people i was going to meet.
on the day i travelled, i called him when they called the boarding ish, and he told me:
'leggy, ive thought about what im going to say to you but i cant really think of anything so im just going to miss you'
and i said:'ooh, we are probably going to get married'..i said this jokingly cos from the onset of our friendship he always joked about marrying me...
and he laughed and replied:
'probably'.

p.s:this post didnt do 10 justice at all. he was perfect in my eye and still is, hence the pen name '10'.

p.p.s:i know my friend berry will read this and have something to say but um letting y'all know that no, i am def not lusting after him.i just love him....as a friend...i think.

p.p.p.s:i have to study for my finals next week, so no more posts till that is over.

~~ "A Friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of Nature."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882) US poet & essayist.~~
~~ True friendship consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and value.-ben jonson~~
~~When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.-henri nowen~~

leading lady

I learnt
As the world draws to an end
With my heart beating off the charts
And my hands turning into ice
Hearts filled with dreams unaccomplished
Exiting this stage with love not found
I’m scared
Scared of death, the inevitable
A contract I don’t remember signing; but an unbreakable one
As I look into its eyes
Trying to find a sense of reassurance
Not one feeling there, just a sense of urgency
Thinking fast, conversation
He just looks at me, unseeing as I launched into a babble of words
Persuasion, begging, tears
Bargaining, hoping.
Holding on to the little bit of light
Sounds swirl all around me
Life flashes before me, its eyes seem to be saying:
One less person to deal with
Stepping out of this stage
While the other actors wait for me to be dragged out
Uncaring, eyes on the time
A minute or two of silence and the acting goes on
The acting must go on
The audience must be entertained
As death reaches out to end this unwritten story
I stare at my book not written
My songs not sung
My stories left untold
My feelings left unshared
My pictures not taken
As it flips its coins and decides my fate
Death gives me one of its rarest smiles
Another day left to live
Just another day left to wonder
When it will come to claim its part of the bargain
And as I slowly wake from this nightmare
I realize that I have nothing to offer death
Just a lot to offer life
I learnt from my conversation with death.

am i the only one who this 2012 rumor is scaring off their pants? cos im really scared. im graduating may 2012 and then someone is telling me that the world would end december 21st, 2012? they should confirm it now oh let me just drop out of school and stop wasting my parents money oh.
anyway sha, im damn scared of dying cos to be frank, noone really knows what is out there, noone knows what its like, death is like one of the great mysteries of life.
you know how in movies they usually have the main character and then the best friend? ive tried to live my life as my own leading lady and ive tried really hard not to be living my life as the bestfriend in the movie.
i try to make myself happy, i try to make sure that my happiness doesnt revolve around any human being.thats my greatest fears in relationships that i'd wake up oneday and realise that my happiness revolves around someone.
i make sure i enjoy my own company cos if i dont, who will?
i try to be nice to people and although in most cases people are not nice to me back i try to be really nice to people.
sometimes i let anger choose my words for me but i regret it as soon as i speak.
i find it really hard to apologise to people so i try my hardest to not be in the position where i have to apologise.
i dont believe that friends are indispensible, i dont allow anybody treat me like thrash just because they are my friends or claim to be my friends.
everyone i talk to or hang out with isnt necessarily a friend, many are just acquaintances, people i know or people who are fun to hang out with, few i actually call my friends.
i find it really hard to trust people, you seriously have to earn it.
telling people personal things about me is a very hard thing for me to do, and it takes a very long time for me to make close friends..i always fear that people would repeat stuff i tell them in confidence so i dont even try telling anybody anything.
i dont understand why people dont mind their own business, i mean its the easiest thing to do.
i try to live my life in a way that i wont regret when i die.
but you know the scariest part about death, the way people forget, no one in this life would die and then the world would stop moving or rotating, or people wont go on.i remember when that sosoliso air crash happened, that was one of the worst christmas ever, i knew 3/4 of the people in that plane, my mum's bestfriend's kids died in that aircrash, many people i knew, and that day it was hell in our house, we cried like there was no tomorrow and even though sometimes we remember it, its not as painful and on a normal day i dont even remember it.
see?life continues.thats the scariest part of death, oneday you will be forgotten, oneday no one is even going to know you ever lived on earth.
it was shakespeare who said that 'the world is a stage and we are all here to play our roles and exit the stage', some people never even get to finish their lines, some people never even get to step on the stage, some people get pushed off the stage, and now even when im trying to come to terms with death, ive learnt that its the way we lived that counts, not how we died, not when we die, but how we live.
its the living part that counts.
and if this world is a stage, im going to live my life like im the leading lady in this play called life.

p.s: i was talking to a friend of mine the other day and i told her that if a boy claims to have a girlfriend, and i dont even know the girl's name and ive never seen the girl before and the girl isnt a friend, an acquaintance or someone ive never set my eyes on before. then the guy is fair game to me, that as far as im concerned, he is single and if i like him.....lol
so anyway, i was thinking about it after telling her this and in my own head i sounded like a bitch, so i wanted to know what you guys think. i mean am i thinking like a bitch or am i right?

~~one day your life would flash before your eyes, make sure that it is worth watching~~
~~we all die, the goal isnt to live forever, the goal is to create something that will - oscar wilde ~~
~~of all the wonders that i yet have heard
it seems to me most strange that men should fear
seeing that death, a necessary end
will come when it will come - Shakespeare ~~

to the woman i currently love

dont worry, im still not gay, still havent changed my mind.
anyway,yinkuslolo finally sent me all my posts through my mail and i was reading them over and realised that i rarely ever talked about my mum in my post..yup, there was a post called mummy said so but when i was reading it i realised that i never actually talked about what she was like, how i felt growing up with her. and i think the reason for this is because my mum is really quiet, while my dad is really loud, like in your face loud, like never shuts up loud(i still love you dad) so i guess in my memories my dad kinda overshadowed my mum and it probably doesnt help matters much that my dad calls me everyday, you;d think that man would give up by now.

anyway, my mum is such a beautiful woman and im not just saying that. my mum is gorgeous, everyone says so and my dad says so all the time, and my friends always tell me the same thing, my teachers commented, my dad's friends thought she was hot, everyone mentioned my mum's looks. i guess you now know without saying who i get my ugliness from...lol, dont mind me my dad is fine too, he looks like an older femi brenard and im not just saying that!!

growing up with my mum was like growing up with an adolf hitler but 100 times worse (okay, y'all know im exagerrating right?), my mum always got us to do what she wanted us to do with her eyes, i always felt like yelling ..'talk woman talk!!'...she'd look at you through her left eyes when you;d refuse to do something and then she'd turn and leave, im telling you noone has ever found out what she left to do cos that look always sent us running up from our beds.
my mum never gave us any of those sex talks, never mentioned marriage, still doesnt mention it...my dad handles all that. i know, i know, i come from a dysfunctional family and im proud of it(took years of therapy to get here but im proud of it now,lol). my mum is an only child so she grew up being pampered and ish but it never occurred to her to give us the same treatment ofcourse, sigh, parents!

but i still love my mum more than i do my dad, and even though my dad likes to think that we love him more, we really dont. my mum is the kind of person you can talk about anything with, shes the kind of mother that you come back from a bad day and cry to, my mum is always there for us, when i talk to my dad on the phone it reminds me of why i was so intent on schooling abroad, my dad is so over protective of 'his babies' but my mum gives us our space and i love her for that. everytime i speak to my mum on the phone i always feel like crying cos i miss her so so so much!!

my mum never picked up our phones, even when it'd be in her hands and she never read my textmessages even to check anything, and it really made me not want to disappoint her cos those little acts gave me a feeling that she trusted me and i loved her for it. she'd always let boys come to visit me at home and she knew all my guy friends by name, when she'd come to pick me up from school the boys of my class always went to greet her and she'd call them by their names and they'd talk and ish and it always made me so proud of her and made her look really cool to my classmates.
everytime i'd say that my mum shouted at me m friends never believed me and they always commented on the fact that im just saying that cos my mum doesnt look like she could hurt a fly....they always looked at my mum like some kinda delicate flower but my mum always killed us when we did something bad.

my mum would always tell us the truth, no matter what, she always told us the truth and maybe thats why we felt so close to her.my mum never argued, i dont know where i get this urge to argue from , but it sure wasnt from my mum, my dad would always argue with someone and my mum wouldnt even put in a word, when that person would leave my mum will be like.'you know you werent even making sense right?' and my dad would laugh and say..'i know, but that man has no spine, it felt so good'.if we couldnt afford something my mum would tell us that we couldnt afford it and till now i never have the urge to buy something that i cant afford, i'd be the first person to let anyone know that the main reason i wasnt going to buy something is because i cant afford it, my mum taught me to be proud of who i am and love my self regardless of other people.my mum was such a loner, she'd rarely go to people's house except very very few of her friends' houses and then the numerous places my dad always dragged her to to show her off.i got that from her, im a big loner, i can sleep for hours, i can go a month without talking to anyone, i dont watch lots of television and ive learnt not to run away from my own company cos if i dont enjoy me noone else will.

this post is getting kinda long, but bottom line, my mum is one hell of a woman and when im rich, she's going to get to do all the things she couldnt do cos she was taking care of 6 kids and one caring, sweet but really loud husband....and if i grow up being just a quarter of the woman that she is...


p.s: so yesterday, a guy from my lab called me, we had checked out our stuff from the lab when he asked me for my number, we were lab partners and we talked a lot while waiting for our chemicals to do what ever the text books said they were supposed to do.so anyway we got to know each other and so at the end of lab we exchanged our numbers and he proceeded to call me yesterday.meanwhile before that i watched this girl's videos on youtube and she said 'OOooh baby i know!!' and the way she said it was so nice that it stuck to my head all day and i kept repeating it in my head. so when this guy called me yesterday night and we were talking he now told me that i made an impression on him during lab class and guess what i said?yup...'OOooh, baby i know'. im sure now the guy thinks i like him but no, i really dont do vanilla but i still thought me just blotting that out like that was really funny and everytime i remember it i crack up!!

p.p.s: just started my thanksgiving hols, a couple of days of sleeping, ooh, bliss!!
~~ "All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother."
-- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)~~
~~ "To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power."
-- Maya Angelou~~
~~the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world~~

friends:hate 'em?love 'em?

there are 2 kinds of friends:

-those ones you can tell the truth

- and those ones that you cant.

one of my friends like that, ive talked about her on my blog before so im just going to call her friend 1, this girl has more than 5 boyfriends, no kidding.

she nevers says no to a guy and she tells me about all these guys but i dont react or say anything bad cos well, she will burst out with insults.

everytime a guy asks me out and i tell her, she tells me to agree, that i should just agree, and when i say i lovee being single, she tells me that i still have secondary school diseases, and that ill make a bad girlfriend/wife anyway(im not denying that ill make a bad girlfriend but way to go friend 1, plunge in the knife deeper will you?).

she has boyfriends in every country in the world, okay im exaggerating but every country that matters....nigeria, UK, america, canada...name it!!

she has 3 in nigeria, just in nigeria oh, and these threee people live with in a 2hour radius from each other...sigh, she prides herself on being the major femme fatale and she says things like 'its not my fault that my body is killing these men'(does she really have to say this to me?when im already too skinny, no breasts, no ass, no nothing!!seriously?).

now, she has a new 'boo' in her school who is chasing her(or shes chasing the boy, i forget).

when i did my birthday, i sent her a birthday list and what i sent her was just a shoe to wasnt up to 25bucks, she told me she was broke and that she was going to buy it later, once someone tells me that the person is broke, i back off cos well, you dont pick money from the ground or trees...fastforward 2 days, exactly 2 days, she comes to me and tells me that shes buying that her 'boo' a present...a cake, a card and a very expensive set of perfume(you know the ones that have a cologne, and all those other ish)...uhhh...but you didnt have 25bucks for a friend?

you know, im not even tripping, now if this 'boo' was her boyfriend, men i'd just realise that we are different, but they are not oh.this boy has refused to ask her out!!

she walks him to class, spends money on him...and gives him bjs, lets him borrow her car....and this boy still hasnt asked her out.

on the other hand, there is my good friend berry, i tell her the truth and she tells me the truth. and i get along with her better cos well, we are more alike, we think about stuff in the same way, we just rock(actually we dont, but you guys dont know im such a loser in real life...sigh, the wonders of a blog!).lol

so my friend berry, tells friend 1 that she is spending wayyy to much time, money and strength on a guy who isnt even her boyfriend, and friend 1 sparks and goes into the name calling:

list of names:

-bitch

-you are jealous that you dont have a real man in your life: lmao...real men?

- ashawo and whore: i dont actually mind these insults, cos when people call me this, it actually implies that im getting some action when im getting nothing at all.

-unattractive:..uhhh?serious?i dont know where this insult came from cos that my friend berry is HOT!!ask anyone!atleast shes hotter than friend 1

- noone wants her: this is a really sad insult for me to hear, sigh, cos noone wants me too(see why berry and i get along?we are both pathetic.lol)

my friend 1 called berry a lot of things that i fi tell you, you'd cringe, i mean seriously? cos of a boy that isnt even your boyfriend?mind you she has asked the boy about the realtionship part and the boy said that..'he wants to take it slow' but this same boy is the same boy that she has given blow jobs too(he didnt think of given the slow speech here) and this same boy told her that its about time they had sex(no slow here either).

sigh!!

im such a wimp, i could never say this to her cos i really really hate confrontations, i dont mind the quarrel that follows soon after cos if i may say so im a pro in quarreling(any respectable nigerian who had primary and secondary education there should be too), i just dont like the insult and name calling part cos there are a lot of things you can insult me for...im a loser, im too skinny, i think sleeping is fun, i cant sing...and the list goes on.

so this blog is the only place i can feel brave to say whatever i want.

the people who made me lose my other blog are prolly reading this and i just want to say..'you guys made me lose 95 posts on my blog!'. if you are my friend and you find my blog, its pure courtesy to tell me that you found it and that you are reading it instead of reading it and then go about whining about how im talking about you, mschewww.get a life please, i dont talk about boring people on my blog.

anyway, im so over this blog thing.

technically this is my 98th post!!

im so celebrating my 100th post!!

and i put back the followers ish, i dont care, im just going to rebuild this blog again!!

so macy d'funk labunk wrote me a poem:

sigh.

To all of the songs I wish to write someday
With the details of sins I hope I get the chance to commit
There would always be the tale of the confused teenager with the beautiful legs
Who had good days and bad like everyone else
But was shy to the beauty she was
And shared with the rest of us eager bloggers
And how her words touched us, made us, and taught us
Or how ahead of the rest she was and how we dragged behind her
With the A's in her tests, and fixation on womens chests
She remains the tale that lasts for ages
Lives forever in our hearts and is passed on to our grandchildren.
The song for all ages, the no 1 hit I can't wait to write.

sigh,dont you just love this?i feel so loved(lol).

thanks macy.made me feel so much better.

~~

gay??

thanks for your comments on my last post made me feel so much better.
i removed the follower application on this blog cos looking at it makes me just want to cry, from 122 to 1follower.sigh.
i had a funny picture for you guys but this computer at the library wont let me post it, so just laugh like i really did put it off.think of how funny it would have been and laugh.

anyway, since ive been writing this blog, do i seem gay to you guys?a co-worker today told me that she always thought i was gay!!!

huh?

seriously?

do i come off as gay?
i do love a woman's body..and i google it a lot..maybe cos people dont get as prudish when they see you looking at amber, as they get when they see you google a guy.hiss
so incase you've always thought that im gay.
no, im not.


you know the kind of friend i dont like?
that one that always ask...'do you think im attractive?'
when i think of how many of those kinds of questions that ive gotten from girls, i think maybe they do think im gay.
but no, besides that, please dont ask me that.
i have more problems of my own.
or that person who tries to fish for compliments from you.
they go like...
'hey, you look so cute in that shoe, i dont look cute at all'
and then so that you dont sound rude you gotta say:
'aww, no, you look cute too'.
sigh


christmas.
is it only me or does christmas actually smell like christmas in nigeria?
i cant smell christmas here.
seriously.
im broke so the chance of buying a ticket is getting lower and lower.
yesterday, i was so bored that i talked to my friend for 4hours.
im such a loser.
i watched 'for the love of ray j'.
is it only me or are those girls psycho?
that thing is actually interesting.
its my shame show. that one that i dont ever admit that i like.
my roommate and i watch it and its our little secret.
sigh,im such a loser.


am i the only one who doesnt like it when people show up unannouced?
like seriously?
doesnt your phone work anymore?
when my house is all untidy
and i just finished cooking...sigh.
and there is a naked girl...or guy in my room..ha ha ha.
i should stop making such jokes.
and start paying attention to details
whisper:thats what she said last night.

a new episode of south park is showing today.
yah!!
cant wait.
im a south park addict and since i lost my laptop to the dust.
ive been having withdrawal symptoms
so i hope it gets fixed tonight.hopefully.

sometimes i really hate this country and most of all my school.
sometimes i really hate the people here.
they never mind their own business.
always pokenosing into other people's business.
and if you meet someone who tell you:
'i cant tell you another person's business'
before you even ask.
hmmm,that person has a big mouth.
just saying.
but its not like ive not met some great people here.
i have.totally.but the bad people still outnumber the good.
like these two sisters i really love.
they are the few nice people ive met here.

you know that your friend that you cant hate?
yeah that one that you cant say no to?
sigh.
i hate this friend,
i mean i love her, but i want to hate her.
two of my friends are quarrelling anf because i refused to take sides, one of them isnt talking to me.
girls and their drama.sigh!!

im signing out now, after today then im yours forever!!!
today is my last full class day.
im thinking of travelling to dallas for christmas.
and someone said she thinks i should go home if i miss naija so much.
i want to.
but my folks wont let me.
yeah, those people who try to make you miserable till you get married?yes, those people!!

have you guys heard about the genevieve and omotola film coming out called ije?
seems it will be really good.cant wait.
you should google..ije the movie.
p.s:im sure at the end of this post, i already sound gay-er than ever.sigh.
maybe i should really roll to the other side.
JUST KIDDING OH!!I LOVE MEN.
jokes like these are going to get me into trouble with my mum oneday...(or yours.)lol

sigh

this week has just been crazy.

found out i wasnt so annon as i wanted or thought.so i decided to take a break from blogging, i proceeded to delete the blog because google promised me i could get it back in 90 days if i changed my mind.and i was going to come back after a while but when someone gave me a better idea on how to prevent unnecessary people from reading my blog,i decided to come and undelete to no avail.

yinkuslolo offered to send me all my post cos she has it on google reader.

i have four tests this week, i have finals immediately after thanks giving, the hours i work just increased.

my laptop broke down monday morning oh, i was in bed and the thing was on top of my bed and i rolled over and the thing fell down and now everytime i turn it on it says operating system not found.

my dad has been pushing me to tell him where i want to spend christmas and frankly i have no idea, my two very good friends are having problems with each other and because i refused to take sides or chip in anything in their quarell, one of them isnt talking to me.

i have two papers and a final project due by thanks giving, its getting so cold now i miss naija'!!

lol.with all these going on im going to be scare on blogville but i got you all on google reader(hanks yinkuslolo)....im going to probably be stalking your blogs and leaving comments.

its 6:45 and im here in the library typing this waiting for 7:30 so that i can go take my test.seriously, i don tire.

if you guys havent seen the 'christmas in lagos' video, then you are on a long thing.i personally think its hot.

see you guys on your blogs.

lost my blog

if anyone knows how i can recover my blog.they should pleaseeeeeee let me know.