leading lady

I learnt
As the world draws to an end
With my heart beating off the charts
And my hands turning into ice
Hearts filled with dreams unaccomplished
Exiting this stage with love not found
I’m scared
Scared of death, the inevitable
A contract I don’t remember signing; but an unbreakable one
As I look into its eyes
Trying to find a sense of reassurance
Not one feeling there, just a sense of urgency
Thinking fast, conversation
He just looks at me, unseeing as I launched into a babble of words
Persuasion, begging, tears
Bargaining, hoping.
Holding on to the little bit of light
Sounds swirl all around me
Life flashes before me, its eyes seem to be saying:
One less person to deal with
Stepping out of this stage
While the other actors wait for me to be dragged out
Uncaring, eyes on the time
A minute or two of silence and the acting goes on
The acting must go on
The audience must be entertained
As death reaches out to end this unwritten story
I stare at my book not written
My songs not sung
My stories left untold
My feelings left unshared
My pictures not taken
As it flips its coins and decides my fate
Death gives me one of its rarest smiles
Another day left to live
Just another day left to wonder
When it will come to claim its part of the bargain
And as I slowly wake from this nightmare
I realize that I have nothing to offer death
Just a lot to offer life
I learnt from my conversation with death.

am i the only one who this 2012 rumor is scaring off their pants? cos im really scared. im graduating may 2012 and then someone is telling me that the world would end december 21st, 2012? they should confirm it now oh let me just drop out of school and stop wasting my parents money oh.
anyway sha, im damn scared of dying cos to be frank, noone really knows what is out there, noone knows what its like, death is like one of the great mysteries of life.
you know how in movies they usually have the main character and then the best friend? ive tried to live my life as my own leading lady and ive tried really hard not to be living my life as the bestfriend in the movie.
i try to make myself happy, i try to make sure that my happiness doesnt revolve around any human being.thats my greatest fears in relationships that i'd wake up oneday and realise that my happiness revolves around someone.
i make sure i enjoy my own company cos if i dont, who will?
i try to be nice to people and although in most cases people are not nice to me back i try to be really nice to people.
sometimes i let anger choose my words for me but i regret it as soon as i speak.
i find it really hard to apologise to people so i try my hardest to not be in the position where i have to apologise.
i dont believe that friends are indispensible, i dont allow anybody treat me like thrash just because they are my friends or claim to be my friends.
everyone i talk to or hang out with isnt necessarily a friend, many are just acquaintances, people i know or people who are fun to hang out with, few i actually call my friends.
i find it really hard to trust people, you seriously have to earn it.
telling people personal things about me is a very hard thing for me to do, and it takes a very long time for me to make close friends..i always fear that people would repeat stuff i tell them in confidence so i dont even try telling anybody anything.
i dont understand why people dont mind their own business, i mean its the easiest thing to do.
i try to live my life in a way that i wont regret when i die.
but you know the scariest part about death, the way people forget, no one in this life would die and then the world would stop moving or rotating, or people wont go on.i remember when that sosoliso air crash happened, that was one of the worst christmas ever, i knew 3/4 of the people in that plane, my mum's bestfriend's kids died in that aircrash, many people i knew, and that day it was hell in our house, we cried like there was no tomorrow and even though sometimes we remember it, its not as painful and on a normal day i dont even remember it.
see?life continues.thats the scariest part of death, oneday you will be forgotten, oneday no one is even going to know you ever lived on earth.
it was shakespeare who said that 'the world is a stage and we are all here to play our roles and exit the stage', some people never even get to finish their lines, some people never even get to step on the stage, some people get pushed off the stage, and now even when im trying to come to terms with death, ive learnt that its the way we lived that counts, not how we died, not when we die, but how we live.
its the living part that counts.
and if this world is a stage, im going to live my life like im the leading lady in this play called life.

p.s: i was talking to a friend of mine the other day and i told her that if a boy claims to have a girlfriend, and i dont even know the girl's name and ive never seen the girl before and the girl isnt a friend, an acquaintance or someone ive never set my eyes on before. then the guy is fair game to me, that as far as im concerned, he is single and if i like him.....lol
so anyway, i was thinking about it after telling her this and in my own head i sounded like a bitch, so i wanted to know what you guys think. i mean am i thinking like a bitch or am i right?

~~one day your life would flash before your eyes, make sure that it is worth watching~~
~~we all die, the goal isnt to live forever, the goal is to create something that will - oscar wilde ~~
~~of all the wonders that i yet have heard
it seems to me most strange that men should fear
seeing that death, a necessary end
will come when it will come - Shakespeare ~~