the spaces in between

"are you currently seeing somebody?"

Vulnerability exists between the spaces of finding and losing. We move through life looking for connections and someone who will want to stay and figure us out. We want to fall in love in places we can tell our children stories about. Give yourself a chance and fall in love in bed with a boy who smells like home. Inhale all of him as he plies you with wine and stories you will laugh at and later wonder why they're funny. Believe him when he tells you that you're beautiful because you are. It's funny how all the perceptions we have of ourselves are things reflected back to us by other people. We can only see ourselves through the eyes of others and sometimes that's all the connection you need. So believe him and see your beauty through his eyes and know that for one night, in a bed on which his body can barely fit with his legs dangling from the edges and movies you barely notice streaming in the background, you are perfect. You probably shouldn't be worried about tomorrow. That might seem like a very cliche thing to say but hear me out: isn't love the most cliche thing ever invented? Chemicals in the body and basic chemistry turned into a stimulation for procreation. So please, tonight, embrace the cliche.

"I haven't been to church in a long time. I have a personal relationship with God though and i'm hoping that He feels the same way"

I wonder sometimes how long crushes are built to last before they are no longer crushes and if we, this, whatever this is and whatever we are has crossed over into something else. I have spent years looking for you in other men. The way only one corner of your lip breaks into a smile, how ugly you look after a fresh hair cut, how you straddle the line between asshole and confident. I don't know which version of you i'm going to meet half the time. i think the fact that i never know keeps me here. This is not the night to fix anyone. I have spent countless nights trying to fix you in between countless bottles of white wine and conversations you never allow yourself to have sober. I have loved all of me out for you.

"your skin tastes like honey"

Well, it is the colour of honey. Listen to him tell you about his family, his father, realise how good you've got it. Don't mention that you're in therapy. You are depressed without any reason. You don't have any traumatic incident from your past, your parents think you're happy and well adjusted and you should be. You don't have anything to tell your therapist, no juicy anecdotes, no stories of abuse, you just know that you're depressed. Frankly, you think you bore your therapist. When your therapist asks if you want to hurt yourself in anyway, say no because really you don't. Forget to mention that you've stopped praying before flights, you might not want to harm yourself but you wouldn't mind an act of God, prayer leaving your lips as the cloud makes way for your plane to lose its fight against gravity. You don't say any of that. Just listen to the boy in a bed too small for his body to fit.

"pennies for your thoughts?"

 I am thinking that I do not want to be here. I have this overwhelming need to love someone and also an overwhelming realisation that I might not be capable of such emotions. Tonight we can't even see the stars because we are all trying to be civilised and electricity and  sky scrapers and lights are all required for civilisation. They all outshine the stars. I'm thinking if we finally make this work, we will not be able to include the stars in our narrative because there were so many lights that night, such incredible lights, we barely noticed the skies.

"apparently, 2:22am is the new 9am"

You nudge him awake by 2. You tell him that he needs to leave. You can't sleep with someone lying on your bed. He smiles, smoothes back the hair littered on your face, kisses your forehead and leaves.

"good morning beautiful"

The last person that called me beautiful loved to love me in french. It's a relief that you can love me in a language that my grandmother will approve of. Vulnerability exists in between the spaces of finding and losing and i am willing myself to be vulnerable. I keep reminding myself that all love ends in heartbreak anyway, it shouldn't matter if it happens today or next week or 50 years from now. it will happen eventually and maybe i shouldn't spend every waking minute waiting for it to come. I laid in bed last night with a boy whose body was too big for my bed, willing him to kiss me but instead i just fit neatly between his arms and conversations and forehead kisses and stolen pecks. It is okay to kiss me, i want to say but i don't. But it is morning now and i have lost all my urge to love to the night.You were too big to fit in my bed, too big to fit in my heart.

love,
leggy.

to all the boys I could have loved.

CO - i wish with all my heart that i could love you.

CH - i don't know what i ever saw in you. i'm so glad that i snapped out of it. i just watched you from across the room one day and just snapped out of it. i'm sorry your father beat your mother but that is no excuse for potentially becoming him.

NO - you were too sensible for me. i did not need sensible at 15.

CO - i wish with all my heart that i could love you.

NW - you are the definition of negging. you probably invented that shit. at that time i thought it was cute that someone who hated me so much, suddenly liked me just as much. now, i know it was not cute. i do not enjoy being an experiment.

LO - i don't know why your girlfriend doesn't like me. i said no. i did not want you then, i do not want you now. we were young with patched lips, i don't think that counts.

CO - you deserve so much more than me.

RI - i don't know if it was the french accent or the body, but i've never liked anyone as much as i liked you. you ruined you for me. i drank a glass full of you and didn't get drunk. i wanted drunk. sober wasn't fun anymore.

ME - we made too much sense.  i knew from day 1 we'd never happen.

BI - I saw you for the first time in forever last week and regretted it.

LO - you are still my biggest mistake.

CO - i wish with all my heart that you weren't too good for me.

MI - i am done writing you love letters.

RO - i wrote the last batch of poems you'll ever feature in last night. i have finally accepted that this black skin will never melt into your middle eastern skin. you should accept that fact too. oh, and i hope you're happy with your arranged marriage.

CA - i enjoyed the money you spent on me. i missed that when i cut you off. i'm sorry i couldn't be one of many. i do not like sharing.

EM - we are not in a relationship. and stop having your mother call me.

RO - i fasted during ramadan for you.

CO - you are too kind for me. i don't deserve you.

GH - you dated my friend. do i really need to say more?

CA - telling a woman that you'd definitely cheat on her but she'd be your first and foremost concern is a fine touch, definitely the best thing to tell a girl you're asking out. you should use that line more often.

JI - you did not look like your name. i'm glad we ended the things we never even started.

MI - the crowded loneliness of college makes it so easy to fall in love doesn't it?

ON - you were gorgeous. i just refuse to date a republican.

LO - you are my biggest mistake.

CO - i wish with all my heart that i could love you.

BR - i wanted you between strip clubs and loud mouths and speckled art. i wanted you between comedy clubs and rowdy friends and new orleans and austin. i wanted you but you chose the suns of california and i chose comfort. you pulled out the girl i want so much to be, you should know that i lost her right after you left.

love,

leggy

self proclaimed nice boys.

there are few things i hate in life more than i hate self proclaimed nice guys. you know, those guys who think you should be dating them because according to them, they are nice. the fact that you think that because you're nice some girl is required to date you is so fucking stupid, it's almost delusional.
i've been asked out a bunch of times by this guy that most of my friends know and recently, i told the guy that i'm just not attracted to him and silly boy sends me a long ass email telling me how i'm never going to meet anyone that is as 'nice' as him and how maybe when i actually have a boyfriend and end up with a dick then i'll know what i missed and how 'nice guys finish last' and all girls are always complaining about 'dating arseholes when they choose them themselves'. so, this 'nice' guy thinks he's so 'nice' but he sends me a long arse email telling me how i'm going to end up with an arsehole boyfriend because i turned him down. wow. how nice of him to remind me why i should be dating him.
i have no patience for boys who parrot the whole 'nice guys finish last' stupid crap. no, that girl does not want to date you because she doesn't like you.
i was totally going to ignore said boy but i got on tumblr to tumblr away my anger and lo and behold, i find this bullshit of a facebook comment on my TL. so this boy thinks this girl owes him something because he has been 'nice' to her. he thinks calling her out on facebook and insulting her infront of all her friends and family is to show her how 'nice' he's been to her. obviously, all this niceness is obviously in his head because he just ended up being a dick to her on facebook.

self proclaimed nice boys are the fucking worse and no one owes you shit because you think you're nice.

leggy.

Finding God.

I'm trying to be a better christian. I'm trying to believe again, i'm trying to rebuild my faith again. i'm trying to find God in the little things in life. i'm trying to build a personal relationship with him again. Maybe try church again. Maybe be happy. Maybe have peace of mind.
I really don't know when i lost Him. I just stopped believing. I just had too many doubts. I'm trying to find him again. I'm not just trying to be a christian. i want to be a better person. i want to be kinder, i want to be happier. Happy. I don't remember the last time i was happy. ss2 maybe? I don't know. I just want to be happy. Peace of mind. It is comforting believing in something bigger than you, believing that someone out there is watching over you, isn't it? I'm just torn with christianity because there is so much i'd like to not believe that this God who is ever so loving is capable of.
Like all good, amazing people who happen to be muslim or any other religion are going to hell? i can't even wrap my head around that. Can't reconcile this merciful God with that.
I downloaded the bible on my iphone, i am going to start reading it again from Mark (God manifested as a man), Hosea (God's disposition towards his people), Acts (the formation of the early church), Songs of Solomon (God as a romantic), Ephesians and galatians( christian principles) and then everything in between. I got this list from the tumblr of one of my favourite poets - Alysia Harris. She's a Christian who fasts during ramadan. lol. I love her.
So i'm going to be reading 10 verses compulsory every morning and night and more if I so please. Hopefully, i see this through.

I got an email this morning from my poetry teacher from last year, she wanted to know if i'd kept up with my writing. I love writing, i really do and when i'm in a writing class (i'm an English minor with a creative writing discipline), i write these beautiful pieces because i have to write them but once that term finishes and i'm stuck with just my engineering and chemistry classes i don't write anything. She wants me to do the 30 day poetry challenge where I write one poem a day at the end of the next 30 days and she wants me to send them to her so that she can hold me to my word. I'm really excited about doing this and i feel amazing that she thought i was good enough to look up and encourage me to keep writing. so, i'm going to be doing that too.

i'm also going to start journaling. I don't know. i think you get a perspective on things if you write them down and read them back to yourself.

i want to stop avoiding things in my life. when i have a problem with someone, i avoid them like my life depends on it, i just don't do confrontation. i never even talk it over with the person, i just cut them out of my life. it scares me how fast i can do that, just wake up and decide to cut someone out of my life. it's scary and i want to start facing my problems head on.
i get triggered by somethings. the news for example, i haven't watched or read the news purposefully since 2009, i deleted facebook to avoid political comments from people, i've moved to avoid hateful people in my life. At some point, we all have to stop running, i guess.

I've decided to start making To-Do Lists. i've realised that when i have a list telling me to do something, i achieve more that day. now, i'm just actually lazy to write the darn To-Do lists these days.

i'm determined to become a better person and hopefully, a little happier. In fact, i'll take content any day over what i am right now.

One day at a time.

'the only darkness we should allow into our lives is the night, and even then, we have the moon.' - warsan shire

love,
leggy

the universe is freaking bringing me a man y'all

So, i was talking to my friend recently and she was telling me how the universe gives us everything we want if we're just bold enough to ask and put it out there (which is funny because i've been asking for money since forever but okay). So, she told me that she met her boyfriend a week after she wrote a list of everything she wants in a guy and put it up on a board in her room, looked at it every morning so as not to forget, and just let the universe bring him into her life. Viola!! 7 days later, honey walks into her life. I know her boyfriend, he's amazing and he's everything she's ever wanted but still, the universe? sigh. i'm quite skeptical to say the least. Did we suddenly stop believing in coincidence around here? i laughed so hard and she said i should just try it and actually try to believe that the universe will send me my heart desires. i'm really liking this universe, people. this universe doesn't even ask for much, just write what you want people and leave it out for the universe to see and send you exactly what you want. she even asked me to do a vision board which actually sounds interesting. I believe in this as much as i believe in astrology which is not at all.
then she goes the whole 'what if it actually exists?' route. sigh. it doesn't hurt does it? so i wrote what i want. do you think the universe takes height and weight requirements too? gosh, i really hope so. can't have the universe sending me a short man y'all.

this is the list i wrote:

- kindness: i want a kind boy. kindness is very high on my list, i want to be with someone who i know is kind to people. you can tell a lot about other people by how they treat strangers and close family. kindness is so underrated these days. i swear, especially on twitter, people lash out like they have a quota of meanness that they absolutely have to dish out a day.

- friends: i absolutely want someone to be my friend. anyone i can talk to and feel comfortable around, i know i can absolutely marry. i'm one of those people who can absolutely do without being head over heels in love with someone. i was giving my very close friend advice about her ex-boyfriend and she threw the classic 'you're only saying this because you've never been in love' in my face. yes, i've never been in love and i don't think i want to be either.

- sexual chemistry - i guess this is pretty important.

- ambitious: my dad is probably the most ambitious man i've ever met. i can't imagine ever even being friends with someone with no ambition talk more of marrying this said person. people with absolutely no ambition in life need to stay away from me, universe.

everything else is pretty negotiable for me as long as he is not short(ha!!).

i'm just asking that the universe wait a couple more years, 20 years and counting and i'm still enjoying being single because of reasons. so yeah, if you're single and getting old, it's your fault, obviously. the universe has just been there waiting for you to write it already, the universe is not going to beg people. it's not.

i hope y'all are having a good summer. my summer was horrible. i'm applying to grad school this upcoming semester, i really hope i get in and get an assistantship or something.

let me know what would be on your list to the universe. you never know, i guess.

love,
leggy.

how to love someone who doesn't love you back

      You will meet him at a meeting. you will like all of him - all tough hair and coloured contacts. He is going to be an asshole or a jerk or just confident, you'll spend your time trying to figure out which. He will see it fit to gift you with little acts of kindness that keep you thinking that he may someday be able to love you back. On days when he is being a jerk, you will see yourself through his eyes - all skin and bones and words that never leave your lips. You will stay because he makes everyday a mystery, everyday is a day filled with the possibility of being loved. You will play unrequited love songs over and over again till your itunes feels your pains and your shuffle understands your mood. You will listen to Frank Ocean's 'thinking about you' over and over again because only Frank gets you.

     You will enjoy being in the passenger's seat while his iphone shuffles music into the thick air between you. There is a certain closeness that listening to music that he deemed fit to put on his phone brings. your ears given privileges to peek a little into stages in his life when he stayed awake listening to that same song. You will wish that you were going somewhere farther. You will wish that you weren't one of 4 people in the car. You will fall in love between drunk conversations and sounds of puke hitting the concrete outside the club. You will be grateful for fleeting, barely audible touches on skin, on places the sun cannot see. You will be grateful for whatever you get and you should. Remind yourself frequently that he doesn't have to do this. Again, he is doing you a favour.
    
       You will fall in love inside tents under dark skies and air filled with yesterday's sweat and unbrushed teeth. You will hold nights like these tightly, spend nights talking to him about a God he isn't sure he believes in anymore, you're going to fall more for the lost boy who doesn't see it fit to trust his life and fate into the lives of a Creator. You hope one day you will stop calling him so much, stop waiting hours for his text message, get used to the unanswered text messages. Loving someone who doesn't love you back is an art, you have to practice often to become perfect. You have to maximise every time he deems fit to spare you. Remember, you're lucky he could spend time with you tonight. 


      Fall in love with someone who won't/can't/doesn't love you back at least once in your life, it gives you perspective. In here lies a certain kind of immortality.


love,
leggy

anything else you want me to change?

it's funny, i'm about to turn 21 in a couple of months and i have 15 hours to graduate from my two majors and minors. everyone and their fathers have started giving me relationship advice on how to 'get this man that i'm going to marry'. it's weird. apparently 21 is the magic number. every guy you're seen with is suddenly a 'potential', even though said guy is just your friend who is practically engaged. they don't care. are you walking with him? yes? then he's a potential.

it's funny really when people give me such ridiculous advice about marriage.

people make me laugh with their silly views and ideas of marriage cos i really think your advice and what you think you know is irrelevant. especially people who think because they're married they have all the answers. all 'you need to cook' and do this and do that, i'm always like 'but girl, i'm not marrying your husband, just because you're married doesn't mean you know what MY husband will like'.

i'm not saying don't listen to advice but don't come at me with your silly unsolicited advices, if i don't ask for it, please keep it to yourself. my parents, family friends and relatives have been married for so long, and have relationships that i've been around and love, if i wanted marriage advice i think i'd ask people who i actually respect their advice and have seen them interact with each other.

considering how much pressure people have placed on me to just get in a relationship. 'try it out', they all say, 'you never know till you actually get into one'. i don't know. i'm not going to get into a subpar relationship cos people want me to JUST GET INTO ONE ALREADY!! fact is, if you feel the person is not right for you now, he will not magically change once you get into a relationship. he is still that same person. considering that men are usually on their best behaviour when they are asking you out, he's probably just going to get worse when you just get into that relationship just to be in a relationship. cooking is such a sore spot for me. fact is, i loveee cooking. it's just not my selling point. men who consider that my selling point are really getting taken off the potential list. if cooking is really what you're using to weed out girls, i don't want to date you. seriously, we're on a first date and you're already saying 'i hope you can cook', just know that from that point i'm just there for the free food. if cooking is what is going to make me pass this test that means that there are billions of women out there who are exactly what you're looking for, how about you move on to them?

i once asked a guy: 'have you ever said:"because she can cook, she is a good person?"' and the dude said 'yes' and i told him 'you must have such terrible people in your lives'.

it's funny how much people want you to change in order to be married. bitch please, i'm not even 21. i'm not in a hurry and then you're hit with 'why don't you say that to me 5 years from now?'. sigh.

'oh change the way you dress', 'oh learn how to cook', 'oh you need to clean after him too', 'don't be too argumentative', 'you intimidate men', 'can you stop with the feminist crap?'. why don't you write me a whole list while you're at it and let me completely change who i am.

i am not going to change who i am so that some guy will like me. i can't be unhappy and lose myself because i'm trying to attract some man. seriously, how about changing things about yourself that YOU want to change? concentrate and make yourself a better woman. become who you would want to marry if the roles were reversed. stop trying to fit yourself into the stereotypical:'what a man wants' envelope. you have not spoken to all men. 'oh, she's been married for 10 years, she knows what she's talking about'. who gives a fuck?! she's talking about what HER husband likes. be who you would want to marry if the roles were reversed. you want a woman who can cook? dude, pick up a pot and be able to make yourself a meal. you want a man who earns a lot of money? earn a lot of money, girl.

you know girls who are all 'oooh, i don't mind if he takes me to mama put on our first day, it's all about his heart and all about love'. HA HA HA, if that's what you want, more power to you. but ladies, if you're saying craps like these on twitter because you think it makes you sound modest? uhhh, yeah. please put out what you want out there, stop using your mouth to bring ridiculousness into your life. be open about what you want. don't let these men that won't marry you tell you what you should be doing or saying to get a man. 

sigh, this is just a long rant. i'm just tired. i just had the most bizarre argument ever and i just thought i should vent cos i'm so mad right now. i get enough stupidity from the male folks, i shouldn't be getting it from girls too. seriously. sorry for the rant or any errors, just can't be bothered to read through.

love, 

leggy