Friday, January 22, 2010

walking contradiction

sometimes i feel like im a huge walking contradiction.
my heart says yes but my head says no.
i think 'i want to do this', people think..'you really shouldnt do this'.
most of the time;
i want to cry outloud in public
i want to laugh and fall on the person next to me
i want to remind him that what we had was a long time ago and i dont like him like that again.
sometimes, i'd like to hit her head on the wall cos i simply think it will be satisfying
i want to say what i really think.
i'd like to hide under my sheets and never leave the house
i want to scream that 'im not jealous, im really happy for you'
you dont have to remind me that he has a bad reputation i liked him just the way he is.
i want to tell them to stop talking about 'us'
i want to tell them that what i do with my life is noone's business but mine.
i want to shout that ive done nothing but kiss him
but why bother?they wont believe me anyway.
i dont want to have to choose between him and the crowd
but i hate getting talked about so i'd probably not choose him
i'd like to be such a bitch to certain people but i smile and act nice.
i'd like to tell him to focus on his girlfriend and let me live my life
...but i cant do that cos everyone would interprete it as me being jealous.
i want to tell him that everything i used to have with him turned out to be such a mistake.
i want to speak igbo again and be proud of it
i want to be able to cry to my mum about the bad things in my life
i'd like to be able to curse and like it.
i'd like to pretend that im not a prude...cos im not.
i'd like to walk out of my house in the morning and be happy that i woke up
i'd like to be able to dance the way i feel like at a party.
i'd like to walk around and not feel eyes following my every step.
i think i have to bitch slap this fool..but i sit there and take it
i think i should set them straight...but why bother?
i think you are really making me angry..but i suck it up and smile.
i think i really need someone to talk to about this..but my friends are miles i cry deep into my pillow.
i dont want to feel so heartless but sometimes i know i am
i think id really want to ask him about this but i dont..cos i cant stand confrontation.
i think i'd really like to say something about this..but i keep quiet cos i cant stand defending myself cos i feel it makes me look guilty.
and at night i cry myself to sleep cos i cant stand the absurdity of my life.
my lips lift into a smile when my heart is breaking
my soul tears apart while i burst into a laugh
my legs lift off from the ground one step at a time when all i want to do is lie in bed and hide.
my body is a walking contradiction.
my name is leggy.
my soul dwells in a body that wont listen to it.

hey folks, im sorry if this didnt make sense, im just in a very bad place right all over blogville you must have heard that nice anon is leaving and i was supposed to write a happy post today but reading her post made me sad and i ended up writing this.
sometimes i feel like im being controlled by something i cant see or someone...its just weird.
so i was watching grey's anatomy yesterday and this argument came up with some of my basically would you choose someone you love(not a husband just a boyfriend you supposedly really love) over something you love or the other way round?
i said i would choose something i love over someone i love.
and i wanted to know what you guys think,
something you love(something like a career or talent, stuff like that) or someone you love(someone who is a boyfriend that you really really love)?

best fb status: "If we can send one man to the moon, why can't we send them all there?"

love moderately and love with your head.have a great weekend ahead.i have loads of work to do but still TGIF. carrots are supposedly good for the soul, try some.


Azazel said...

Firsttttt oya lemme go read lol

Azazel said...

Nice Anon
is leaving? When did she announce it?

Miss Natural said...

hmmm I like it alot, and it goes so much with the title. Its genius. Dont be sad, well i am sad too...imagine if u left, i'd be distraught (so dont get any ideas). Hmm i'd chose someone I love even if it might not be permanent, because even the things I love won't last forever. tough choice nd could go either way. Hmm as per control, that does sound weird

Anonymous said...

You really wanna know which I'd choose... I choose neither and both. I believe too much in compromise to have to make that choice, but if it really came down to it, my logic is that the one that loves me would want me to have the thing I need or have worked so hard for. Whatever, that's just me. This post kinda sounds like something I'd write, ya really gotta stop reading my mind leggy lol.


El-Divine said...

I'd chose someone i love anyday. If I work hard enough I'd get what I want but it will b so awful if theres no one there to share my moment with me.
as for ur post, it makes a lot of sense. intuitive and str8 from the hrt

Repressed One said...

Oh wow...what a bundle of emotions you have going on here. Hope you get to feeling better and you get out of that bad place.
I'm with fierce...i'd want both.

lol@ the FB status...nice one!

Rene said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rene said...

I'm with Fierece, I believe in compromise and it's really sad that Nice Anon is leaving.
BTW Fierce, u'll probably spend half the post trying to decide what to write with C

24yearOldTeEnAgeR said...

It happens so. When i'm in such conflict with myself that i just want to scream till no sound comes out. but i just stare and smile. Know what i think? Usually, its not half as bad as it seems. So eat carrots (since that's the sorta stuff u like right?...woulda said ice cream) and be happy. :-)

Mwajim Al said...

I feel you... don't give up... no moment is meant to last forever... they are all split seconds and they all frizzle away with time... keep your head up high, brighter days are up ahead! Nice Anon's post just made me sad too :(
LOL @ the fb status.

Original Mgbeke said...

Pele o, I hope you work it out...whatever is going on. Keep your head up mi dear.
As per your Q, that's a pretty tough one to answer.

Tricia said...

It made alot of sense to me! I'd rather choose someone than something..even if the person wont last forever he/she holds more value than something than can also go...

Ebony~!* said...

i often find myself in the same situation! be happy abeg or you will hurt either yourself or those around you. :) smileee*

shorty said...

Sorry dear,hope you sort things out.Its really sad Nica Anon is leaving us.
As for the question i think i go with Fierce too.

Harry-Rami Itie said...

I will choose sum1 I love anytime

~Sirius~ said...

Deep emotions there. I hope you feel better really soon. I'll probably choose someone I love, I tend to be passionate about humans much longer than Things.

muyiwa said...

mos def,choose someone i love

neefemi said...

aren't we all? i will compromise but if push came to shove i will choose something i love - cos i have known love and I have great love from family and friends...

Myne Whitman said...

I saw the GA episode too and we were talking about it. Where does career start and end? I think I will choose the person/people I love. Things pass on, passions change. Who is to say that the thing I love today I will love next year or 5 years later? I guess it goes both ways but people are more loyal than things.

JuaNita said...

I differ oh! I'll choose something over someone. Nah, its always gona be the one I love most who'll come first. What if I lose e.g my career, that person would be there"supposedly" for me. Yep I

Nice Anon said...

The other time it was vegetable and now it is carrots?? Nne chin up and cheer up. I am still around. Someone once said " Never leave someone you love for they can leave you for someone that they love" Does that make any sense to you at all??


Nice Anon is leaving? really?

Anyway, I hope you are feeling better, sis. Take it easy okay?

Gamine-B said...

Life is a compromise Leggy...and ultimately whatever choices you make determine where it goes/how it goes. You can't always have it all.

However I hope that somehow're feeling better...just know this...

All will be well.


BBB said...

you write so mature for someone your age..
its great
i hope ur feeling better now
niceanon posts drew tears from my eyes, so i get ur perspective
but id tell u too wait till u love sum1 dat much b4 u make a decision
walking always seem easier when ur not wearing the shoes

Tisha said...

i'd choose someone i love over something i love.
something i love is mine any which way,i can't lose it.

get out of the dumps, the devil likes christians sad, mad, aggravated, frustrated, judgmental, critical and depressed, anything but joyful.
doesn't mean you can't express your feelings, just don't stay there.
smile okay, the world is not falling down.