Friday, July 20, 2012

how to love someone who doesn't love you back

      You will meet him at a meeting. you will like all of him - all tough hair and coloured contacts. He is going to be an asshole or a jerk or just confident, you'll spend your time trying to figure out which. He will see it fit to gift you with little acts of kindness that keep you thinking that he may someday be able to love you back. On days when he is being a jerk, you will see yourself through his eyes - all skin and bones and words that never leave your lips. You will stay because he makes everyday a mystery, everyday is a day filled with the possibility of being loved. You will play unrequited love songs over and over again till your itunes feels your pains and your shuffle understands your mood. You will listen to Frank Ocean's 'thinking about you' over and over again because only Frank gets you.

     You will enjoy being in the passenger's seat while his iphone shuffles music into the thick air between you. There is a certain closeness that listening to music that he deemed fit to put on his phone brings. your ears given privileges to peek a little into stages in his life when he stayed awake listening to that same song. You will wish that you were going somewhere farther. You will wish that you weren't one of 4 people in the car. You will fall in love between drunk conversations and sounds of puke hitting the concrete outside the club. You will be grateful for fleeting, barely audible touches on skin, on places the sun cannot see. You will be grateful for whatever you get and you should. Remind yourself frequently that he doesn't have to do this. Again, he is doing you a favour.
       You will fall in love inside tents under dark skies and air filled with yesterday's sweat and unbrushed teeth. You will hold nights like these tightly, spend nights talking to him about a God he isn't sure he believes in anymore, you're going to fall more for the lost boy who doesn't see it fit to trust his life and fate into the lives of a Creator. You hope one day you will stop calling him so much, stop waiting hours for his text message, get used to the unanswered text messages. Loving someone who doesn't love you back is an art, you have to practice often to become perfect. You have to maximise every time he deems fit to spare you. Remember, you're lucky he could spend time with you tonight. 

      Fall in love with someone who won't/can't/doesn't love you back at least once in your life, it gives you perspective. In here lies a certain kind of immortality.


Monday, July 2, 2012

anything else you want me to change?

it's funny, i'm about to turn 21 in a couple of months and i have 15 hours to graduate from my two majors and minors. everyone and their fathers have started giving me relationship advice on how to 'get this man that i'm going to marry'. it's weird. apparently 21 is the magic number. every guy you're seen with is suddenly a 'potential', even though said guy is just your friend who is practically engaged. they don't care. are you walking with him? yes? then he's a potential.
it's funny really when people give me such ridiculous advice about marriage.
people make me laugh with their silly views and ideas of marriage cos i really think your advice and what you think you know is irrelevant. especially people who think because they're married they have all the answers. all 'you need to cook' and do this and do that, i'm always like 'but girl, i'm not marrying your husband, just because you're married doesn't mean you know what MY husband will like'.
i'm not saying don't listen to advice but don't come at me with your silly unsolicited advices, if i don't ask for it, please keep it to yourself. my parents, family friends and relatives have been married for so long, and have relationships that i've been around and love, if i wanted marriage advice i think i'd ask people who i actually respect their advice and have seen them interact with each other.

considering how much pressure people have placed on me to just get in a relationship. 'try it out', they all say, 'you never know till you actually get into one'. i don't know. i'm not going to get into a subpar relationship cos people want me to JUST GET INTO ONE ALREADY!! fact is, if you feel the person is not right for you now, he will not magically change once you get into a relationship. he is still that same person. considering that men are usually on their best behaviour when they are asking you out, he's probably just going to get worse when you just get into that relationship just to be in a relationship. cooking is such a sore spot for me. fact is, i loveee cooking. it's just not my selling point. men who consider that my selling point are really getting taken off the potential list. if cooking is really what you're using to weed out girls, i don't want to date you. seriously, we're on a first date and you're already saying 'i hope you can cook', just know that from that point i'm just there for the free food. if cooking is what is going to make me pass this test that means that there are billions of women out there who are exactly what you're looking for, how about you move on to them?
i once asked a guy: 'have you ever said:"because she can cook, she is a good person?"' and the dude said 'yes' and i told him 'you must have such terrible people in your lives'.

it's funny how much people want you to change in order to be married. bitch please, i'm not even 21. i'm not in a hurry and then you're hit with 'why don't you say that to me 5 years from now?'. sigh.
'oh change the way you dress', 'oh learn how to cook', 'oh you need to clean after him too', 'don't be too argumentative', 'you intimidate men', 'can you stop with the feminist crap?'. why don't you write me a whole list while you're at it and let me completely change who i am.
i am not going to change who i am so that some guy will like me. i can't be unhappy and lose myself because i'm trying to attract some man. seriously, how about changing things about yourself that YOU want to change? concentrate and make yourself a better woman. become who you would want to marry if the roles were reversed. stop trying to fit yourself into the stereotypical:'what a man wants' envelope. you have not spoken to all men. 'oh, she's been married for 10 years, she knows what she's talking about'. who gives a fuck?! she's talking about what HER husband likes. be who you would want to marry if the roles were reversed. you want a woman who can cook? dude, pick up a pot and be able to make yourself a meal. you want a man who earns a lot of money? earn a lot of money, girl.

you know girls who are all 'oooh, i don't mind if he takes me to mama put on our first day, it's all about his heart and all about love'. HA HA HA, if that's what you want, more power to you. but ladies, if you're saying craps like these on twitter because you think it makes you sound modest? uhhh, yeah. please put out what you want out there, stop using your mouth to bring ridiculousness into your life. be open about what you want. don't let these men that won't marry you tell you what you should be doing or saying to get a man. 

sigh, this is just a long rant. i'm just tired. i just had the most bizarre argument ever and i just thought i should vent cos i'm so mad right now. i get enough stupidity from the male folks, i shouldn't be getting it from girls too. seriously. sorry for the rant or any errors, just can't be bothered to read through.