Sunday, September 17, 2017

The thing is...

i do not know how to not be this loud.
how to sit back and laugh like my tongue is dipped in cherries and honey
how to shut up and bite my tongue even when i should
i do not know how to stop halfway, how to back away from things that are not mine
i do not know how to not claim territory, 
i feel like no matter how loud i am people don't hear me
i do not know how to pretend that you haven't hurt me
i do not know how to make you love me.

i want to be a safe place for you
but i do not know how to dim this fierce thing i feel
you bring out all the sharp places in me, 
and i do not mean to constantly draw blood when you come to me for safety
i do not know how to be this person you want me to be
i do not know how to simmer.

this thing between us is cheap and vulgar but i fully bought into it knowing that
i stumbled upon you with hands covered in sin and alcohol
i wasn't expecting anything holy.
and i stay when you tell me that she's the well you have to drink from or you'd die of thirst
and i'm the desert.
i stay when you come to me with blindfolds and ease
i stay because you make my spine throb on your good days
and i stay because i wake up choked in tears on your bad days
and either way, at least you make me feel something
i stay because to stay stimulated even when i have no stomach for it, even when i want to crumble every time you reach for me makes me feel alive.

after my fifth glass of cheap wine
i forget that i can still taste her on your lips
i pretend that this thing is real and special
i can only love you when i'm drunk
only in the dark,
only on nights when i need to burrow into flesh
the thing is,
i stay because i cannot leave.
because where would i start picking up the pieces of your life you have left all over my couch?
which cities would i have to start avoiding?
i envy those women,
who smell like cinnamon and never settle for less.
i stay because secretly, i want to break your heart
i want to plant mines under your skin 
that i hope your future lovers find.

The thing is,
by God, i'm so tired of writing about you
and all the ways i'm breaking my own heart.


leggy.

2 comments:

velvet said...

I love your writings.

Obodubu Monday said...

Do You Need A Powerful Africa Native Doctor? I Mean A Spiritual Herbalist
With Great Spirit Connected To Ancestors. Call or WhatsApp +2349058774809 Dr Obodubu Monday Is A High Voodoo Priest Master. He is a Spell Caster, Native
Doctor, Spiritual Herbalist, Powerful Sickle cell Healer, Spiritual
Astrologer, Psychic Reader, Multi Guru, Witch Doctor, Priest Of Africa
Money Ritual.
Have You Been To Native Doctor to Native Doctor Without Any Solution To
Your Problems Or Rather Add To it? Have You Been To Place To Place In View
Of A Powerful Native Doctor That Can Solve All Your Predicament, You Must
Understand That There Is A Native Doctor That Supersede All Native Doctor
Among All Native Doctor, If You Are In Search Of A Powerful Native Doctor
With Great Spiritual Powers, Then You Must Be In Search Of A Native Doctor
That Derives Power From The Marine World. That Is The Spirituality Of The
Greatest Africa Native Doctor Obodubu.
Dr Obodubu Is Recognized All Over The World Of Marine Kingdom, As One
Of The Top Fortunate And Most Powerful Native Doctor Of Charms Casts From
The Beginning Of His Ancestors ship Until Now Dr who lives Strong
Among All Other Native Doctors, There Have Never Been Any Form Of
Impossibility Beyond The Control Of Dr Obodubu. It Doesn't Matter The
Distance Of The Person With The Problems Or Situation, All You Have To Do
Is Believe
In The Native Obodubu charms Casts That Works, He Always
Warns Never To Get His Charms Casts If You Do Not Believe Or Unable To
Follow His Instruction.
It Is The Assignment Of The Native Doctor Obodubu To Offer
Services To Those In Need Of Spiritual Assistance Not Minding The Gravity
Of Your Situations Or Distance As Long As Water, Sea, Ocean, Lake, River
Sand etc. Are Near You, Then Your Problems Of Life Would Be Controlled
Under Your Foot.
If You Need Any Spiritual Help On Any of These:
Get Your Lover Back
Fruit Of The Womb
Fibroid
Business Boom
Financial Breakthrough
Get Rich Without Ritual WhatsApp +2349058774809
Do As I Say
Bad Dream
Promise And Fail
Epilepsy
Spiritual Attack
Land/Court Case
Mental Disorder
Political Appointment
Visa Approval
Cancer
Examination Success
Spend And Get Back
Good Luck
Natural Health
Hypertension
Diabesity (Diabetic+Obesity
Stroke
Sickle Cell
Impotency
Win Court Case
Promotion At Work
Commanding Tone
Protection Ring
Marriage Success
Love Ring
Favour Ring
Recover Lost Glory
Spiritual Power For Men Of God
Travel Success Ring
Job Success
Lotto/Pool Win And Many More.
Make Haste To Call or WhatsApp Dr Obodubu Monday +2349058774809. Or Mail Him to
babadoctorobodubuspiritualhome@gmail.com For Spiritual Problem Today And
You Will Surely
Get Solution To All Your Predicament.
Email: babadoctorobodubuspiritualhome@gmail.com